Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Bathroom Emergency!!!

I've complained frequently about the bathroom in the building where I work.  Its an employee only area that is "fragrance free" area and as such usually smells like an outhouse.  Sometimes it's so bad the smell wafts down the hallway.  It is truly disgusting.  Not the point today...

Yesterday before I left work I had to pee.  I usually try to use the extra large handicapped stall since the other ones are so small that your elbows practically touch the walls on either side.  I'm a little claustrophobic and the bigger one is just more comfortable.  In a pinch, I'll suffer through the smaller ones though...sometimes you just can't be too choosy.  I was really happy that the big stall was empty when I walked in the bathroom. I know it's pathetic that something like having my favorite stall free makes me happy...it's even weird having a "favorite" stall, I know.  Then, something caught my eye...there was something on the floor in front of the toilet.

I couldn't believe my eyes...there was a pile of shit on the floor!  I'm being literal here...not just a pile of "stuff"...it was actual human fecal matter.  Now I'm old and my eyesight's not as good as it once was and...this is embarrassing to admit...I bent down in front of it to see if it actually was what I thought it was...and it was! Thank God nobody came in and saw me bending down in front of the offending mass...it may have looked like I was paying homage to a pile of shit or something.

WTF!!! Who would shit on the floor in a restroom with the toilet an inch away???  And who wouldn't clean it up if it was an accident?  I mean, there's been times when everyone's been dancing in place trying to get their pants down before the poop starts shooting out. Why is it that it's always harder to get your pants down when you have to pee or poop really bad?  You can never get the door unlocked quickly either if you're trying to get in the house after a mad dash from town...why is that? Now I can understand there can be some urgency involved in the whole "process".  But usually when something like that happens, the outpouring is, shall we say, more fluid...more explosive...this was definitely a turd fully formed. 

To make matters worse, whoever did it stepped in it...at least I hope it was the pooper and not some poor schmoe who actually walked in to sneak a poop and ended up stepping in someone else's poop.  How friggin' horrible would that be?  Nobody wants to poop at work, least of all me...that's strictly "at home duty" as far as I'm concerned but there are occasions when even I've been a sneak a pooper.

So I did what any good concerned employee would do.   I rushed back to my office and grabbed the Princess and made her go look.  There we were, two grown ass women, one old, one young, standing in the women's "fragrance free" bathroom laughing hysterically at the disgusting fact that someone pooped on the floor.  Every time someone came in we made them look too...very mature...every one else laughed too...thank God we weren't the only ones. It would have made us look really weird if we were laughing at it and everyone else was horrified and serious.

The "poop on the floor" incident generated several emails throughout the administration.  Everyone was horrified that someone would do that...then they laughed.  Personally I think a loud speaker announcement would have been wonderful. 

Can't you imagine hearing on an intercom system "Whoever just pooped on the floor in the women's "fragrance free" restroom (we must be specific about location lest there be other floor poopers in other restrooms) report to your supervisor's office immediately.  We have your DNA...we know who you are.  You stepped in it and we are calling in the CSI gang with magic chemicals that will track your footprints to your desk."

At this point, everyone would be looking around at each other wondering who the pooper is...rumors would start to fly...everyone would be suspect...okay, not the men because they have their own bathroom...everyone else would be fair game though...

I still can't believe someone actually did this and that my friends and I got so many laughs out of it...it's the stoopidist thing.