Thursday, November 29, 2012

A Backwards Hick Story

I started buying these Sassybax bras a couple of years ago.  They're similar to a Genie bra, no hooks, you step in to them...and they kinda fit like a sports bra but not quite so boobage flattening.  The underwire style is great for riding...less bouncing boobage.  I usually buy the underwire style but on a lark, I bought a couple of the wireless kind to try.  They're like an amped up version of the Genie...the fabric isn't quite so stretchy.

So yesterday morning when I'm getting dressed for work, in the dark as usual, I throw on one of the wireless Sassybax, top it with a tee shirt and a pullover sweater.  Fat dumb & happy I feed the critters and head down the hill to work.

My first stop was a jail in a neighboring county where I had to have an inmate sign some documents. When I got there, the inmate was dressed in striped pants...he looked like the little guy in the Monopoly game on the Get Out Of Jail Free card.  I almost laughed.  I always have the urge to laugh at inappropriate some point I may need to seek professional help for this problem. Truthfully, I didn't know they still had clothes like that in jail.  I mean, we're way out of Sheriff Joe's territory....the jail in our county gives them bright orange clothes but at least they're solid colored.

So anyway, these documents had little sticky arrows pointing to where the guy was supposed to sign and date the form...and in true dunder fashion, he signed completely backward...signing where he was supposed to date, and dating where he was supposed to sign...this isn't the first time this has happened, but truth be told, they don't end up in jail by being the sharpest knife in the drawer, now do they???

After a hard day at work...okay, not that hard...I run to the feed store to get pelleted feed for the old guys (geriatric horses) and run it over to OF's house (Old Friend of undesirable snackage fame). Then off to a barn with a covered arena where I rented a stall so I'd have somewhere to ride during the winter after work.  No one was in the barn when I got there and it was dark so I ended up just turning my Girlie loose in the arena for a while watching her kick up her heels...that's her name, Girlie...I don't like to waste a lot of time thinking up original names.

By the time I get home, get all the critters fed, and stuff my fat face, I'm ready for a long hot soak in the tub.  Off with the sweater, off with the tee shirt...and WTF???  I have my bra on backwards!!!  I've been walking around with my bra on backwards and I didn't know it.  Unfilled cups were hanging off my back all day long.  And I thought the guy in the jail was a dunder...geesh.  Good thing I never took to a life of crime...I'd be signing on the wrong line like all the other dunders.

This is what was hanging off my back all day (minus the tag...I swiped the photo from an eBay ad) is the style without the underwire and my hope is that if there was underwire that I would have felt said wires digging in my back and noticed my mistake before I made it out the door in the morning...but who knows???

Swear to God, this was my first thought...Thank God I didn't get in an accident and have to go to the hospital.  You know how your mom always told you to wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident?  That's what I thought about.  Never once did I hear my mom utter the words "make sure you put your bra on with the boobs in the cups".   Mom obviously never thought she needed to tell me to put my bra on with the cups in front.  And why would she?  Even the most moronic among us know the cups go in front...I mean, why bother otherwise?  Okay, some very large people may have overhanging flesh in the back that could fill a cup...or two, but they have other compression garments to combat that particular problem.

One time I made fun of OF for doing something like this.  I have these underwear I love, they're boyshorts.  I was telling OF about them and how wonderful they were...yadda when I got a new pack, I gave her a pair to try.   She said she went shopping with her sister, one of the Sister Wives, and when she was trying on clothes, she told her sis that she didn't see why I liked these underwear so much because she wasn't impressed...her sister looked at her in the dressing room and told her "it might be because you have them on backward".  I thought that was sooooo hysterical....hahaha  "you had them on backward"?    "How could you not know?"  

Well now I's the stoopidist thing...

P.S.  I think I would've felt the Melvin from the backwards least that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.