Saturday, December 19, 2015

Call The Doctor

The "Official Old Chix" are Scari, Lois, Patty, Chris, Terri, and me.  We worked together for years and have managed to get together pretty regularly to eat, drink, and laugh...a lot.  The laughing, not the drinking, okay well maybe the drinking too.  What we really excel at is eating...which ends up being the cause for much hilarity about our ever expanding waistlines. We always blame the blubber on getting old but probably if we didn't eat quite so much...we might be a tiny bit tinier. But then what would we have to laugh about, except wrinkles, saggy boobage, gray hair, and husbands...better to eat.

We have two "Unofficial Old Chix" who are be fair, they're kinda girly men, but appendagely speaking, they're men. Or so I've been told.  Although now that I think of it, none of us "Officials" has personal knowledge of said appendages actually being least not that anybody has confessed to.

Dr. Norman and Randy, who, in true Fuddian Fashion I always call "Wandy", are the "Unofficials".

Dr. Norman, was the first to come work with us. He had a wife and a son and in his former life was a bus driver. His wife was a little on the weird side. Somehow I got involved in trading books with her because we both liked to read. What I didn't know was that I was going to have to "discuss" said books. Weird Wife (hereafter referred to as WW) came to bring me a book or bring one back, I don't really remember, but she asked me about the book she had given me. I don't even remember what she asked, all I remember is her comment.

WW: "It made me feel all dark inside."

Me:  Crickets...I have no response...I think I may have come up with "Oh".

I didn't know I was going to have to give a fucking book report when I agreed to this whole book exchange deal. I'm not looking for some hidden meaning in anything I read. I read purely for entertainment.  Well sometimes I read if I want to learn about something, but that's kinda for entertainment too, since I'm doing it by choice, not because I have to. Anyway, the whole book exchange didn't really pan out.

Fortunately for us Old Chix, Dr. Norman wasn't nearly as weird as WW. He's still weird, but in a good way, not Twilight Zone weird.

Back in the day, we worked in the basement of an old government building. At one time it was an evacuation shelter and it had dorm rooms, showers, etc. Our little area had its own "break" room off to the side complete with a toilet in a closet. When you turned on the light, in the toilet closet,there was a huge exhaust fan that automatically started.

You could hear the exhaust fan back at our desks it was so loud, so imagine our surprise, mine and Scari's, when Dr. Norman went into the bathroom and we could hear him farting over the sound of the fan clear out in our office!!! Never in my life have I heard such a sound. And it lasted for-evvv-er...I'm pretty sure it was the longest fart in the history of mankind.

Scari & I looked at each other in bug eyed shock...

Me:  "Do you think he knows we can hear him?"

Scari: "I don't think so."

Me: "You should tell him."

Scari: "I'm not gonna tell him, you tell him."

Me: "I can't tell him, you tell him."  And so on, and so on...

Neither one of us had the guts to tell him that night. I don't know how we found out later that he just didn't care if we heard him or not. No big deal. And it wasn't, except to us.

Unlike men, who feel free to let loose whenever the urge hits them, most of us "women" have been trained from toddler age that it's not polite to fart in front of people. So instead of expelling a wee bit of methane infused rectal breath, we endure excruciating stomach cramps until we can finally get somewhere where nobody can hear or, God forbid, smell us farting.

But the incident did manage to confirm, without first hand knowledge of any appendage, that the good Dr. is a real man after all. No one but a man would be able to fart like that so unconcerned about anyone hearing him...I wish I could be more like's the stoopidist thing.

P.S.  I wonder if Caitlyn Jenner farts like a man now or a woman???

Saturday, December 5, 2015

The Cucumber Test

Someone sent me a cat video that showed cats being scared by cucumbers. When the cats were eating, they'd turn around and find a cucumber or two laying on the floor behind them.  When they saw them, the cats would go straight up in the air...apparently scared out of their wits by a motionless cucumber.  It was really funny and there were several different cats in the montage so it's not like it was just one cat who had a phobia about cucumbers being scared over and over. That would be kinda cruel to scare your cat over and over just for you own personal putting tape on their feet to watch them walk around shaking each leg individually trying to get the tape off.  Not that I've ever done anything like that...

So I was wondering if I could scare my cats, Wilson the Wonderful, Hudson the Horrible, and Lilli Mowbean just by putting a cucumber on the floor.

I set the stage...the kitchen floor...freshly swept of excess cat hair. The bait...stinky wet cat food...the kind they can't resist...all is ready.

Everybody has their back to me and each is intent on his/her plate of stinky fish parts.  I surreptitiously walk past and place two cucumbers on the floor...and I wait...and I watch...and think "crap I should have had a camera ready"...too late.

As it turns out, I had plenty of time to get a camera because it took them fucking forever to eat the piddly little spoon of food I gave each of them.  But who knew??

Finally after hours of waiting they turn by one...Lilli was first...she didn't even look at the cucumber.  Wilson was second...nada.  I hope against hope that Horrible Hudson will reward my efforts as I wait an eternity for the little pig to finish his food...and Lilli's...and Wilson's.  Finally he's done.

And it was all for naught.  None of my cats even noticed the cucumbers laying on the floor.  WTF???

How come my cats didn't get scared?  They acted like it was a normal everyday occurrence to see cucumbers laying on the floor.  I'm no Susie Homemaker but I really don't store cucumbers on the floor of the kitchen. I put them in the food rotting section of the refrigerator where they belong.  You know that special little drawer where fresh fruits and vegetables turn liquid?  Except for oranges and lemons.  They turn into little orange and yellow rocks.

So my little experiment in cat frightening was a total failure.  Maybe God was punishing me for intentionally trying to scare my cats.  Maybe one of them has a weak heart or would have been severely injured trying to escape dangerous cucumber territory.  Apparently I'll never know because MY cats don't seem to get scared like everybody else's stoopid cats.

So much for cat scaring experiments...guess I'll just have to see how long it takes the cucumbers to turn's the stoopidist thing.

P.S.  The Cool Cucumber Cats

                                                Wilson the Wonderful

Lilli Mowbean

Hudson the Horrible