Sunday, March 6, 2011

Washing the Weenie

Sounds fun, right??? Wrong. We're talking equine peni here (I've decided to make that the plural for penis...it's probably wrong, but I like it). Male horses get a nasty build up of a substance referred to by professional sorts as "smegma". Being a non professional, I like to refer to it as the boy's "gunk in his junk". A little crass, I know, but the description...fits.

Before starting, make sure there's no one with a camera withing 50 feet of your location. You want no photographic evidence of this event to haunt you in the days to come. And it will. (or the Scottish version...it wull...think Braveheart) It'll be like those pseudo Visa emails with the poor girl all dressed up at a party...

Designer Dress...$1000
Jimmy Choo Heels....$500
Duct tape holding your boobs...priceless

Your version will be...

Fancy Barn and Wash Rack $30,000
Fancy "Registered" Gelding $5,000
Photo of "Fancy Registered Gelding's Owner" holding said geldings dick in her hands looking like she's jacking him off...priceless. Your face will be out in Internet land...eternally.

Trust me...it will happen.

When I was a kid, nobody ever told me you were supposed to do this. I had horses and never once did anyone say...make sure you wash your horse's wiener...or pee pee...it never would have been...penis...

not in those days...

those were the days when your mom had "the talk" with you about being a woman...

which my mom didn't...

which is probably why I ended up pregnant when I was sixteen...

I digress..

Had anyone told me about this delightful chore, I probably never in my life would have owned a gelding. Now, as an adult, I've been given a gelding who needs to have the gunk in his junk removed. Regularly.

Today's the day...I'm armed with Excalibur (a horse sheath cleaning product that's probably just KY jelley with a fancy name and the price jacked up...poor choice of words considering the task at hand) and a hose with hot & cold running water.

But first...this morning is champagne brunch with the Old Chix!!!

Then sheath cleaning.

This is what I have to look forward to today...it's the stoopidist thing.