Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Another Scooter Person

So, what happened was...I’m driving down the road, fat, dumb, and happy, and as I drive past the Qwiky Mart, there’s a Scooter Person with a surrey type cover over her chair. I guess it’s the Scooter Person version of AC...(I know...I’m going to burn in H.E. double hockey sticks for that) and she’s towing what looks like an ottoman behind her scooter...and her lazy ass friend is sitting on the ottoman. WTF???? It’s the Scooter Person Train...headin’ into Qwiky Mart to stock up on cigarettes and Big Gulps.

Now, I know it sounds like I’m constantly slammin’ Scooter People, and sometimes I am. But it’s not the ones who really need them that I complain about. It’s the dumb ass compadres who climb on board because they’re to fucking lazy to walk...and they could...those little scooters don’t have a “high gear” you can walk along side one easily.

A friend of mine saw a Scooter Person tip over as she was leaving a gas station one day. She rode her scooter down to get her daily Big Gulp and pack of cigarettes and when she tried to go out of the parking lot she tipped over and fell out of her scooter. My friend and some other people helped her back up and into her scooter, but what she was most concerned about was losing her Big Gulp. It was the last of her dinero and she bought cigarettes and a Big Gulp. (By the way...being a complete nicotine addict myself I totally understand the cigarettes...not so much the Big Gulp though.) My friend went inside and explained what happened and the clerk replaced the soda. The Scooter Person had her addictions satisfied and went happily on her way...

So to all the Scooter Person passengers riding on the Scooter People Train...I’d just like to say...GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND WALK ALONG SIDE YOUR FRIEND. There, I said it...and I’m glad I got it off my's the stoopidist thing.

P.S. I realize my bastardization of the Spanish language is incorrectly punctuated...I can’t figure out how to make the little squiggles and I don’t have time to figure it out...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Ten Second Rule

I was sitting at my desk at work and, as usual, nibbling on various foodstuffs...this time it was a semi-healthy version of trail mix with blueberries, currants, cashews, almonds, and yogurt chips that taste like white chocolate...when I dropped a yogurt chip on the floor. I picked it up, annoyed that I’d dropped my favorite piece and threw it in the garbage can.

If I’d been home, I would have picked it up, blew the dust...or God knows whatever else may have attached itself to it off, and eaten it. You know, the Ten Second Rule. Which by the way, is a stoopid rule if there ever was one. And if the Ten Second Rule applies at home, why doesn’t it apply at work? You never see people at work applying the Ten Second Rule...only in the privacy of one’s home does it apply.

Do we think that nobody at work knows we use the Ten Second Rule at home and they’d be horrified to learn that we’re a bunch of white trash slobs who eat off the floor when nobody’s looking? I bet the most hoity-toity among us would wrinkle their nose in disgust if we applied the Ten Second Rule at work but would be right there with us in the privacy of their home scarfing the last bit of a Hershey Bar from their floor.

I don’t know who thought up the time limit for the Ten Second Rule. Does it really matter if something has spent a couple of seconds on the floor? Is it less dirty than if it’s been there for twenty minutes? It just seems wrong, doesn’t it? I mean, you’d never walk across your floor, see some M&M’s under the table while you’re vacuuming, reach out and grab ‘em and eat ‘em before they could get sucked up into the Dyson, would you? Of course not...all because we’ve been led to believe that if you don’t see it fall, retrieve it before the allotted ten seconds is up, and blow it off with the poisonous gas we exhale into the atmosphere, it’s no longer fit for human consumption.

If I actually took the time to think about it, the floor at work is probably much cleaner than my floor at home. I have cats and dogs in and out of my house all the time. But still...depending on the foodstuff of the moment...I’ll observe the Ten Second Rule at home.

I have to admit the content of the droppage has much to do with whether or not observance of The Ten Second Rule can be followed. I mean, nobody in their right mind is going to eat a gob of oatmeal off the floor because it’s texture invites foreign substances (like cat hair...dust balls) to cling to it.

You could blow like Katrina and still not feel like you’d done a good enough job to actually eat it.

Moist foods are definitely not good candidates for observance of The Ten Second Rule. Unless you happen to be a kid...they don’t care...they’ll pick up ice cream off the floor and eat it. It never seems to hurt them either, does it? Of course, mom’s far and wide cringe when they see them do this and nearly gag when they have to pull the hair out of the kids mouth that attached itself to the fallen ice cream.

I think I’m going to test observance of The Ten Second Rule at work and see what people do. Just to see if people will start talking about how I picked up food off the floor and ate it. Then I’m going to start going to the bathroom...walk into a stall and wait for someone to come in...then I’m going to let them see me leave without washing my hands. I wonder how long it’ll take before the Bathroom Police start tattling to co-workers that I don’t wash my hands.

It's the stoopidist thing...

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Odds N Ends

Went riding with OF (Old Friend of Undesirable Snackage fame) today.  Great ride.  I took the Cartoon Dog with me...she's afraid of everything...the dog, not OF.  Anyway, after our ride, OF did not try to feed me hummus...she did, however, try to make me eat spoiled watermelon and grapes (which she knows gives me the scoots...the grapes, not the watermelon...I know...TMI).  This may be getting to be a habit for OF.  She offered Blondie some salad one time...made of liquid know, the kind that's been sitting in the crisper (aka/rotter) for too long in a plastic bag, and turns liquid with age??  Note to self...always be suspicious of OF's offer of snackage after a ride...

On the way home I went through town and passed two, count 'em, two large Scooter People chugging along down the busy main drag (actually their motorized scooters were doing the chugging, not the Scooter People themselves).  Now, call me crazy, but shouldn't Scooter People be subject to traffic laws like any other vehicle?  These people were driving their little motorized wheelers directly into oncoming traffic.  I almost hit one when he got close to the white line.  Okay, maybe it wasn't that close, but it startled me enough to make my hands tingle...that's what happens to me when I get hands tingle...weird, I know.

What happens if one of the Scooter People hit your vehicle when you're at a stop sign or stop light?  Do they have insurance?  I'm thinkin' it's highly unlikely...and let me tell you, the way our cars are made these days to dent and cave in to the least little pressure, a 500lb Scooter Person plowing into your fender would probably cause a serious amount of damage.  Think of the the vehicle I mean.

I know this is wrong on soooo many levels but this is the kind of stoopid shit I think beware of the Scooter People roaming the streets of your city and give them a wide berth. It's the stoopidist thing.

P.S.  Apologies in advance to all the safety conscious Scooter People who may have been offended by the contents of this post.