Friday, September 30, 2011


Why do they now make plastic bags that require scissors to open?  I made a cake this weekend (PW Pig Cake...good) and the recipe called for a yellow cake mix.  Easy peasy, right???  Wrong...

They still make it easy to open the cardboard box holding the dreaded plastic bag inside which lies the precious cake mix, but once you get past the cardboard unless you have scissors or a knife...forget it. 

Not only is the bag made of untearable plastic, but the glue holding the top of the bag together is so strong you can't even pull the top part apart.  Oh, I'm sure Hulk Hogan could do it...but for the regular Joe, or in this case,'s impossible.  Is this really necessary????  I think not.

Everything these days has to be hermetically sealed for "safety"...even a wimpy little bag of M&M's at the checkout stand has untearable plastic.  Fortunately these are still sealed with a "weak" glue that lets you separate the top by pulling on each side as are Lay's Potato Chips...(Not that I have personal knowledge about this or anything.)

Occasionally I try to pull a bag apart just out of spite...just to prove that I can do it...I huff & puff...veins pop out on my forehead...and finally it gives...but by then, you're pulling so hard that when it finally gives, the contents of the bag go flying out all over the place. 

So they make the plastic bag holding the cake mix impenetrable, seal the cardboard box holding the cake mix...and still...bugs can get in the mix.  Exactly what are they protecting me from with all the sealing bullshit????

If I were less trusting, I might think there's some kind of conspiracy going on.  You know...sales are down on do we fix that?  Conspire with the plastic manufacturer to create an untearable plastic bag suitable for food, then make sure the extra strength this'll hold anything glue manufacturer is in loop to sell their extra strength this'll hold anything glue to the food plant so they can seal their bags for all eternity...unless you have scissors.

If I were some kind of conspiracy theorist, I just might believe something like's the stoopidist thing.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Hooray...Survivor's Back

I’m a huge Survivor fan...and a Real Housewives fan...and a Flipping out fan...and an Amazing Race fan...but this is about Survivor. A friend from work always has a Survivor pool and we draw names. This time the tribes are called Savaii and Upolu. I have no idea where they get these names. I’m sure they have some magical island meaning that I’m unaware of, but I’m not curious enough right now to use my friend, Mr. Google, to find out.

Last night was the premiere episode when all the tribes get to their island and find out that there’s two players from previous episodes coming into the game. This is kind of becoming a recurring theme on Survivor...bring back popular players from previous seasons. At least they didn’t bring back the Terrible Troll, Russell...this time it’s Coach and Ozzy. Ozzy is the cute surfer dude who all the girls like. He’s an incredible athlete, easy on the eyes, and seems like a genuinely nice guy. Coach, who calls himself “The Dragon Slayer” is a complete buffoon. Totally impressed with himself and completely self absorbed, he prides himself on honesty and integrity. Which is why he’s never won. It’s a game where you’re supposed to be deceitful and... the most deceitful and manipulative player usually wins. Not always, but usually.

My player for season 23 is Keith from the Savaii tribe. This is way better than the last few players I’ve had. Keith is young, athletic, seems like a nice guy, and hopefully will hang in there to the end and make me a is all about me, after all. The fact that he’s big and strong should keep him around for a while providing he doesn’t turn out to be a complete asshole.

My favorite player is Cochran. I love him. He’s 24, a Harvard law student...and one of the nerdiest guys in the world. This guy is endearingly nerdy...and he embraces his nerdiness. He’s got coke bottle glasses, red hair, and skin whiter than new fallen snow. When beach boy, Ozzie, suggested everyone go swimming, poor Cochran didn’t want to do it. He was embarrassed to take his clothes off because his skin was so white, claiming he was so translucent you could see his organs through his skin. Cracked me up. But he sucked it up and joined in. He’s like one of the nerdy boys from Sixteen Candles. I love him...mostly because he seems like such an underdog and I always root for the underdog. It would take a miracle for him to win but I’m rooting for him even if it means I lose the pool.

Beach boy, Ozzie, thinks he’s running things, but I’m thinking it’s going to be Jim. Jim started out by lying to everyone by saying he’s a teacher. Jim runs a medical marijuana dispensary in Colorado. I’m thinkin’ Jim may be the guy who wins it all.

Papa Bear is a retired NYPD detective, gay, and affable enough that the younger kids will keep him around if they can. He seems like he’d be a fun guy to hang out with.

Dawn is the other oldster in the tribe (41...which to people my age, doesn’t seem old at all...and yes, I know that that’s something old people say). She’s an English professor at BYU. I’m guessin’ she’s Mormon since she lives in Utah, teaches at BYU, and has six kids...I know it’s wrong to assume, and probably politically incorrect...but all the other Mormons I know have bunches of kids too. She looks great for having six kids, but lost me when she started crying about how it was so different from home...waa...waa..waa...I don’t see her making it very far if she keeps up the teary eyed, poor me attitude. Plus she seems like the type who wants to “discuss feelings”...not my cup of tea.

Brandon is the nephew of Russel Hantz...the self professed all time greatest Survivor player who never won...this kid is trying to keep it a secret that he’s Russel’s nephew to the point where he won’t take off his t shirt lest someone see the name Hantz tattooed on his back and arm. So what does he do? He goes fishing with his shirt tucked up over his neck so that it looks like a lady’s shrug...dum de dum dum....made him look like an idiot. During the preview for next week’s show, it looks like he’s going to confess his true identity to Coach. Will he?...Won’t he?...OMG...I don’t know if I can handle the suspense.

Semhar, the “Spoken Word Artist”...(can anyone really make a living doing that?) failed miserably in the challenge...because (spoken in a whiney voice) when she volunteered she didn’t know she would be soooo tired and she didn’t know those coconut basketballs would be soooo heavy. Waaaa, waaaaa.,waaaa...Miss Spoken Word Artist was unable to articulate a good enough reason for the rest of the tribe to keep her around and during tribal council she was the first one voted off (much to the delight of Cochran who was pathetically worried it was going to be him...I thought he was going to cry). So much for Miss Spoken Word Artist’s verbal abilities...maybe she should have offered the boy tribe members BJ’s to keep her around.

Didn’t get to see Semhar’s landing on Redemption Island so maybe next week they’ll show it. I have the DVR set to record so I don’t miss a I can fast forward through commercials. Sadly, this is my's the stoopidist thing.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


You learn something new every day. This weekend I was hanging out with OF (Old Friend of undesirable snackage fame) and I mentioned I had to get chews for the Cartoon Dog from Costco. I was talking about how much the dog loved them and how bad they stink when they’re being chewed. OF asked me if they were “Bully” sticks...I didn’t know but I described them to her...about 18 inches long rawhide chews kind of brownish, different thicknesses but all the same length. OF then tells me that they’re made from bull penises. I don’t think I really believed her...or maybe I just didn’t want to believe her.

So what did I do? I went to my trusty computer, found my friend Mr. Google, and lo and behold there are many brands of “Bully” sticks...all made from bull or steer “pizzle” which, I find, is just another way of saying penis. They also make whips from bull pizzle. Just a little bit of trivia I thought I’d throw could be a question on Jeopardy or Trivial never know when a little pizzle will come in handy.

I suppose I should be glad that all “parts” of the animal are being used, but it really bothers me to see the Cartoon Dog happily chewing on a dried penis. She’s gets so excited when I tell her to get on the blanket...she just wiggles all over knowing that she’s going to get a treat. It’s a nightly ritual. Takes her less than an hour to devour one.

Do they wash the pizzles before they dry them? Do they smell so bad because of urine droplets left on them? Or worse, because of dried semen?

I’ve tried giving her other kinds of chews in the past, but she doesn’t like them. She only likes the “Bully” sticks. I suppose it’s better than having her snack on cat turds...which she LOVES...or horse shit which she LOVES. Of the three, the horse poop is the least offensive to me but it’s still pretty gross to watch her chow down on fresh, literally steaming, horse poop. Maybe it bothers me less because it doesn’t stink as bad as cat poop...and I love horses.

I think sometimes I’m better off not knowing what things are made of. I didn’t really want to know that my precious Cartoon Dog was gnawing on a bull dick. And I really don’t want to know what’s in a hot dog...or bologna...or Spam for that matter. Now that I know what it means, I’m afraid if I look at the ingredients I’ll see the word “pizzle”...and know I’ve been happily ingesting penises all my life.

But, every cloud does have a silver lining..I do have to admit, now that I know, I’m really looking forward to calling some poor unsuspecting man a pizzle head, pizzleless moron, little pizzle, big pizzle, or any combination that comes to mind...I’m soooo mature that's the stoopidist thing.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Things That Annoy Me

I'm easily annoyed...sad but true.  It's not the big things that set me off, it's the little things.

Such as...

Brazil Nuts...nobody likes them so why do they fill a jar of mixed nuts with a bunch of Brazil nuts?  When I was a kid, my mom would always put an orange and a few walnuts and Brazil nuts in the toe of my Xmas stocking to take up space that would otherwise have to be filled with the more expensive candy.  That's what Brazil nuts filler uppers in the mixed nut jar.

Eye can't feel them so you never know you have one until you've been talking to someone face to face for an hour or so, happen to look in the mirror, and see a gob of goo in the corner of your eye.  If you get in the habit of sticking your finger in the corner of you eye in a desperate attempt to keep them free of eye boogers you end up with a dry, red, irritated eye.  I don't know how to resolve this problem.

Breather boogers...Again as with eye boogers, you never have one of these until you're talking to someone and feel the little thing moving with each breath you take.  You don't know if the person you're talking to can see it or not.  I end up being so worried that I can't concentrate on what the other person is saying.  God only knows what I may have agreed to just so to end the conversation quickly and get to a mirror so I could see if I actually had a visible breather booger.  Never once have I been able to see them.  You can try to rub your nose but then you never know if you've just rubbed the booger out of your nose and onto your face so that doesn't really solve the me on this.  Sometimes I try just breathing through my mouth, but it just makes me sound like I'm panting or doing that weird Lamaze breathing.  It makes people look at you like you're crazy.

Paper towel dispensers...there's one of these in the office where I work.  Most times when I'm forced to use the bathroom and dutifully wash my hands lest the bathroom police report me for being unsanitary I grab the corners of the exposed paper towel between my thumbs and forefingers, pull down as instructed by the directions on the machine, and come away with two quarter sized bits of paper.  I'm sure I'm doing something wrong, but I don't know what it is.  And who would you ask for remedial paper towel removal instruction anyway?

Bathroom wind machines...these are perfectly useless items.  Instead of the paper towel dispensers, you'll find a mini wind machine in the restroom.  Hit the big silver knob and air blows down while you're supposed to rub your hands briskly in the breeze.  I'm way too impatient to stand there waiting for my hands to dry and get tired of all the brisk rubbing.  I end up wiping my hands on my pants...does anyone really stand there and wait until their hands are completely dry?

I know these are really insignificant things and I have no idea why I let stuff like this annoy's the stoopidist thing.