Saturday, August 28, 2010

The Fall

Sometimes I fall. A lot of times I "almost" fall. I trip, stumble, walk off the heel of my shoe (which can cause excruciating pain) or walk completely out of my shoes if they've got no strap on the heel. Every time I fall or "almost" fall, I yelp. It's probably not really a yelp but more a cross between a scream and yelp...a weird noise that does nothing but draw attention to my ambulatory foibles. I hate being the center of attention.

I used to be fairly agile and could climb over a fence with relative ease. Now I climb's easier than climbing over most of the time. The older I get, the less agile I am. This became painfully clear to me when I tried to climb through to visit my elderly neighbor, J.

J was standing on her side of the fence and since she's deaf, I had to climb through the cross fence to walk over to talk to her. Four strands of wire, hot, cold, hot, cold. (That's electric fence lingo for those not in the know). My plan of action was to hold the second wire down and shimmy through the two hot wires. J's waiting, I'm trying to hurry. I should've known better (kind of like I should know better than to try to carry twenty bags of groceries at once instead of making two bag always breaks and the nightmare begins).

Did I mention we now have the uber strong fence charger guaranteed to keep elephants contained? I'm exaggerating I know, but it's really strong. It literally makes your heart feel like it stopped when you accidentally touch it. It takes your breath away. After you've let out a blood curdling scream.

So I get my right leg through, all's good. It was when I tried to get my back under the top wire that I got the first hit right along my spine causing the first blood curdling scream and total panic on my part...unwanted electricity has that effect on me. I'm now straddling the fence and my left calf hits the third wire and when I scream and jerk it off I hit the top wire again with my back. It all becomes kind of blurry after this because now I'm on the ground rolling trying to put as much distance as I can from this fence which I am now certain is operated by Satan himself.

My neighbor J is from Holland, the actual land of wooden shoes..not some random town of the same name. She speaks with a very heavy accent and is laughing, which she almost never does. She's actually kind of a Serious Suzy. "I sot zat vas going to happen" she says. Yeah, well, glad I could AMUSE you, I my head. I don't even remember now, what she wanted in the first place. I did walk completely around the perimeter of the fence to get back home. I can't believe I thought I could actually do something like's the stoopidist thing.