Monday, July 2, 2012

The Impostor

Who’d a thunk it??? Somewhere, somehow, someone switched my OF (Old Friend of undesirable snackage fame) with an impostor. I think the real OF who, like myself, was a card carrying member of the Invertebrate Club, may have been abducted by aliens. Left in her place is this unknown creature who looks like OF, walks like OF (tripping and stumbling into holes) and even talks like OF, but who doesn’t slink away on her belly at the slightest hint of confrontation. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.

A couple of months ago, OF & the Sister Wives, Mini & Maxi,(newly named...by me) bought a patio boat together. The boat stays parked at OF’s house and they all come & go from there, hauling the boat to what ever lake they decide to spend the day on. Sometimes the whole gang goes, i.e., kids & grand-kids of the Sister Wives, sometimes just a few go. This past weekend, OF was staying on dry land and just one of the Sister Wives, Mini, was taking the boat. Mini was going to meet one of her boys and one of the grand-kids at the dock.

I found this out because, in addition to my keen powers of observation noting OF’s truck hitched to the boat, while we were hanging gates and moving horse panels I asked her...

“Are you going out on the boat this afternoon?”

“No, Mini’s coming to get it” she said “I thought Maxi was coming too, but she decided not to go so it’s just Min” by her tone, I could tell OF was clearly not okay with this scenario. She was worried about Mini trying to unload the boat herself...and more worried about her truck and/or Min's driving skills.

While we were tying baling wire around the last gate, in true hobo's ass fashion I might add, Min shows up and starts bustling around, putting stuff in the boat and walks down to the barn...

“Where’s the keys to the truck?” Min’s obviously not talking to me, so I keep my mouth shut...so does OF. I wonder why she doesn't answer...did she really not hear her?  If I heard it, OF had to have heard...so why doesn't she say anything?

I’m sure Min thought OF hadn’t heard her so she asked again “Hey, OF, where’s the keys to the truck?”

“Just a minute, I’m almost done” OF says trying to tighten up the baling wire...

Sounding a little exasperated, Min said “I need to leave” “I’m supposed to be at the dock”.

“I’m going with you” said OF still tightening wire “I don’t want you to have to do it by yourself”.

Clearly as surprised as I was by this revelation, the ball was back in Min’s court...

“Why? I can do it” “I need to leave...I’m going to be late”...punctuality had suddenly become vitally important and it appeared  Min was none too thrilled thinking someone was questioning her abilities... “They’re going to be waiting.”

“Min...they can wait. It’s only going to be a few more minutes. I don’t want you to do it by yourself.” It was a tone of voice I’d never heard coming out of this person I thought was OF.  It was...forceful...

I immediately want to disappear because there’s obviously going to be more of this unpleasant confrontation brewing and even when I’m not involved I get all sweaty just thinking about it...and we were already all sweaty from moving gates and panels and stuff...I didn’t need to get any sweatier...

The final wrap done to the baling wire and OF starts heading inside the barn...but Min’s not giving up so easily...

“OF, what is the problem?” “I’ve driven the boat & trailer before...”

“Not by yourself” OF said getting more and more agitated “One person can’t do it alone”...she’s actually kind of yelling...I’ve never heard her talk like this before...I'm in shock...

“My son’s going to be there, I won’t be alone”...the shrink part of Min is starting to take over and she’s now becoming deliberately calm...in the way that some people have of talking when they’re trying to reason with a kid throwing a tantrum or talk down a crazy person...each word becomes over enunciated and they try to make their voice very monotone and soothing...and which, unless you’re a crazy person or a kid throwing a tantrum, only sounds patronizing. “Do you think my son can’t help get the boat unloaded?”

I instantly become engrossed in everything on the barn floor. I start kind of walking in itty bitty circles, idiot like, I know, but I don’t know what else to do. I look at little bits of hay on the floor, pieces of dirt, more hay...I just want the earth to swallow me up... What if one of them asks me what I think? What do I do then? Do I answer? Can I answer? I don’t think I could even formulate a word, let alone a complete sentence at this point. Whose side would I take? I’d have to side with OF...she’s my friend...but from the little I know of Min, I’m sure she wouldn’t forget the taking of sides. I give a little glance toward Min feeling like a deer in the headlights and give the universal Oh Shit What Happens Now look (which to the unknowing consists of having one’s mouth stretched in a straight line as far across the face as possible causing the cords in the neck to pop out and eyebrows to raise simultaneously).

“Just humor me on this Min” came the loudly...with ...each...individually...enunciated...word...

"Okay" says Min...being a shrink, she’s pretty practiced at knowing when to say Uncle. I don’t think it makes her like it any better, but it makes her smarter.

We all start heading up to the house and not knowing what else to do I ask OF if she wants me to pick her up at the dock and give her a ride home. She did, and I don’t think I was ever so happy to get in my car...lest war break out again and forcing me to choose sides.  It was the stoopidist thing.