Wednesday, August 24, 2011

BM...An Acronymn

Now that we've become proponents for the sport of Boss Mocking, what could be better than an acronym???  And how convenient that BM just happens to be the acronym.  Not only do we have the sport to laugh about we now have a whole new reason to behave like third graders.

Just so there's no confusion about the world I was raised, BM is the acronym for bowel movement.  When I went to work in my current job, there was a Mexican guy who liked to refer to himself as the "Brown Man"...BM for short.  He'd never heard of a bowel movement referred to as a BM.  I'm ashamed to admit I took great pleasure in listening to this guy call himself BM...and I never told him about the other "true" acronym...bowel movement.  Unfortunately for me, one of his friends eventually told him and he stopped calling himself BM.  It was hysterical while it lasted though.

Today, in our office, we managed to achieve an all time high level of immaturity.  Sad but true.  Here's a few of the new acronym usages...

"Is it BM time?"
"Wow, I could use a good BM session."
"Hey, let's have a group BM."
"Time for a good BM."

And then we laugh hysterically when we say's definitely the stoopidist thing.

Boss Mocking

At the office where I work my co-workers and I occasionally...okay...we frequently engage in the sport of “Boss Mocking”. I’m sure this is a sport that all office workers take part in on a daily basis. It’s not difficult and everyone of all ages and sexes can join in on the fun...well, except the mockee...

First rule of Boss Mocking is never, never, engage in mocking when the mockee is around...fortunately, our mockee is gone a lot and when he is here, he really isn’t aware of what’s going on around him...which to our delight is simply more fodder for mocking.

Not that there’s any lack of fuel to fan our Boss Mocking sir, not here. Imagine a cross between Inspector Clouseau and Mr. Magoo....with a little Pig Pen thrown in and voilĂ© have our beloved boss. Okay, maybe not beloved...but I think we all actually like him because the truth is, he’s a really nice guy. In fact it’s his saving grace...being a nice guy. If he were an asshole AND a dunder, he’d be intolerable.

I think everyone should compete in the office sport of Boss Mocking. It’s a great tension reliever if you follow a few simple rules. Keep in mind, that there are always going to be exceptions to every rule.

Rule 1) As stated above, never engage in Boss Mocking, when the mockee is nearby.

Rule2) Never mock physical and hairstyles are fair are any type of accessories. Physical abnormalities, such as huge noses, Dumboesque ears, warts, moles, and excessive hairiness can be addressed on a boss by boss basis.

Rule 3) Never engage in Boss Mocking when there’s a suck up employee around who’s going to run and tell the Boss he’s being mocked. This only causes non suck ups to hate the suck ups even more than they already do. However, suck ups should be aware that the more they suck up, the more they subject themselves to Co-Worker Mocking which is an offshoot of Boss Mocking...sort of like the flag football of Boss Mocking.

Rule 4) Boss Mocking is supposed to be a fun sport. Never engage in Boss Mocking when you’re really pissed off at your boss. Generally I find if I vent my initial anger to the Princess or other sympathetic employee, it gets out of the system and we’re ready for a laugh filled round of Boss Mocking.

Rule 5) Care should be taken when mocking in writing. Texting and emails should be brief and concise lest them come back to bite you in the ass. Never under any circumstances put the name of the mockee in line is usually sufficient to express your displeasure.

Email example: Can you believe what a dunder he is?

Text example: can u believe wht a dunder he is

Old Chix Code example: khan ewe beeleeve whuta dunder hee ez?

Occasionally we decide that we’re going to stop ridiculing the boss. One time we even decided we were going to each put a quarter in a cup every time we said something bad about him and when we filled it up, we were going to get pizza. This ceasing of mockery doesn’t work for two reasons...first, you have to keep the cup a secret from the boss lest he know he is being mocked...second, Boss Mocking has become such an ingrained part of our daily life that we would spend the majority of our meager salary putting quarters into a cup.

So instead of deciding to stop the mockery, I’ve decided to embrace it and promote the sport of Boss Mocking's the stoopidist thing.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Doggie Treats

Can someone please explain to me why when a dog sees a litter box full of cat turds they smile and say "yummmmm"?????

The Cartoon Dog (Briley) snuck into the laundry room this morning to steal cat food...or so I thought.  When I walked in, there she was with her head completely inside the litter box.  (She had already decimated the food bowl)

When I yelled at her, it was more out of disgust than any anger.  What on earth could even be remotely appealing about munching on a sand coated cat turd?

I wish dogs could talk and explain to me what they find so wonderful about eating cat turds.  I dunno...they'd probably say it tastes like chicken.

There are few things on earth more disgusting than cat poop.  Dog shit is bad, but I think on the list of disgusting things cat poop is right up there at the top.

Rotting corpses are supposed to be really bad, but having never actually smelled one, I can't say.  Rotting meat smells really bad so I guess a rotting body would be pretty bad too.  "They" say you never forget the smell of a rotting body...I hope I never have to find out.

Speaking of rotting, I pulled a liquid zucchini out of my refrigerator crisper/rotter yesterday.  Thankfully it was in a plastic bag.  This is what happens when I try to be healthy and end up hiding all the "healthy" food in the crisper/rotter.  I always seem to keep the good snackage right out on the counter in easy reach...

Occasionally I'll find a potato in the back of the cupboard that's rotten.  You always smell it first.  I've actually had them sprout really really long sprouts...vines almost...right there in the cupboard.  How come some of them just rot and some sprout???? 

I'm sure I'll end up dwelling on this throughout the day...I can't help's the stoopidist thing.l

Monday, August 15, 2011

Miss Pro Nun See Aye Shuns

OF (Old Friend of undesirable snackage fame) emailed me the other day and we were sort of ranting back and forth about liberal/conservative politics, cosmetic applications, teeth whiteners, and other useful work related items, when the topic, as is usually the case with me, changed to food.

OF again suggested humus as desirable's sort of become an ongoing joke...she tries to get me to eat it (not very hard)...I try desperately to avoid it.  I told her about seeing a website with low-cal snackage where, lo and behold, there was hummus listed as prime low-cal snackage.  Along with chopped veggies, which instead of calling them what they were...chopped vegetables...they called them cruditĂ©.  OF pronounced it crud-eyete.  Cracked me up.  If I'd been drinking, I would have snorted my Diet Pepsi into my nose.  Which, if you've never done this, burns intensely.

One time I said the word facade only I pronounced it fah-kaid.   Another time I had to read aloud in a class and I pronounced the word stenographer...sten-oh-graffer.  I can't even begin to count the number of times I've done shit like this.  I'm ashamed to admit that I laugh hysterically whenever anyone else does it...probably because I'm glad I'm not the only one.

When I was a little kid, I was in Sunday School (hard to believe, I know) and another girl was reading from the Bible.  She was reading aloud and pronounced the word ewes as eee-wees.  I started laughing and couldn't stop.  Kathy Griffin has dubbed this phenomenon the "Church Giggles"'s such an appropriate title...I get Church Giggles all the time...always inappropriately.

One of the old chix and I regularly email each other and deliberately spell things wrong.  I know it sounds really dumb, but we're old and easily amused.  It's kind of hard to do...okay, maybe not hard, but a little more effort is required...I've decided to call it "Crepey Crones Clever Codeage" (CCCC for short)..I realize "clever" is stretching it a bit...okay, a lot....but here's how it goes...

eff ewe kahn reed thess ewe tew mae bee stewpud...

It's the stoopidist thing...

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Abbie Smalley

I was reading an article a few days ago, probably something about our fabulous congress, I don't really remember what the article was, but as I'm reading, I come to the word "abysmally".  I'm looking at this word, which I've probably seen many, many, times before in my life, and I see "abbie smalley" in my head.  I'm thinkin' WTF is abbie smalley????  Abbie smalley...It took a few seconds before the word finally registered in my head as abysmally.  God, I'm such a fuckin' dork.

P.S.  I told this to one of the old chix who takes great pleasure in mocking me for the tiniest little spelling or grammatical error.  When I did, I made sure I reminded her that when she read "Eminem", as in famous rapper, she saw "eye num".  The poor boy is no longer our world, he's become "Eye-num"...and then we laugh's the stoopidist thing.