Friday, December 31, 2010

December 31

I've become a sort of habitual TV shopping channel viewer. It's a habit, I'm shamed to admit, that I used to give my mother three flavors of shit for (God rest her soul). I actually made fun of her because she knew all the names of the hosts/hostesses on the channel. Now I know them so it's official...I have become my mother.

So there I am, fat, dumb, and happy, sitting on the couch eating a box of Ding Dongs and drinking Diet Pepsi (less calories you know) and there before my eyes in stunning HD is a supremely fit man, surrounded by other supremely fit men and women, selling a set of exercise DVD's called P90X. I need to loose a few pounds so I think, okay, how hard could it be, right? I fell flat on my face for the sales pitch and bought it.

The day it came, I read the booklet that came with it & watched the first instructional DVD. There was a cautionary note that if you weren't in relatively good shape you probably shouldn't be using this particular program. I think there was a beginner program that was recommended but I really don't remember (because I'm over 50 & menopausal).

I should've heeded the warning. Suffice to say I thought I was going to die. The workout wasn't the piddly little 20 minutes that I expected. It was closer to an hour. I'm huffin' and puffin' in front of the TV with droplets of sweat burning my eyes looking at people who don't have an ounce of body fat cheering each other on. Not once did I hear any of 'em sayin' good job Stoopid, you can do it, keep going, hurray for you.

While I realize it's probably much better for sales to produce DVD's showing supremely fit bodies, it isn't very realistic. They could've had at lease one or two tubbies. (In retrospect they were probably worried about the legalities of having tubbies trying to do this workout and dying of a heart attack while being filmed.)

I know it sounds crazy, but as a tubbie, I couldn't keep up with the perfectly sculpted creatures staring at me from the TV. I tried. I huffed and puffed, moaned and groaned, and kept trying until finally, Praise the Lord, we were at the end of the workout. Holy shit, my arms were so weak they were shaking. Thank God I had a glass of water sitting on the counter because I don't think I could've lifted a glass out of the cupboard. You know the old saying "things could be worse"...well they were! Two days later was the worst day, every time I moved my arms I wanted to cry. Instead I swore profusely. It got a little easier each day and after about a week, I could raise my arms without shedding tears.

I'm sure I'm not the only chub who fell for the sales pitch. There's probably quite a few equally pea brained fellow tubbers who saw and bought. Doesn't make me feel any less of a schmuck's the stoopidist thing.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Dec 26th

The day after Christmas is always such a let down. No presents under the tree. How come when you first put the tree up and decorate it you don't think it looks bare without presents but once there are presents under it and then they're gone it looks bare?

Now it's just a pretty tree with decorations, lights, no presents, and three dog beds around it with three, count 'em, three sleeping dogs (whose beds are covered with festive Xmas blankets) one of whom is farting and smelling up the whole living room. I've sprayed room freshener three times so far this morning and have done several searches for doggie presents. I think the pup is the culprit but she's too cute to banish outdoors for excess gas expulsion.

I'm deliberating when to un-decorate. Should I do it before the New Year festivities or after? Said festivities for me and my elderly husband consist of eating ice cream on the couch while watching an East Coast feed of the Times Square big ball drop. I LOVE the East Coast satellite feed. Once that's over it's hit the rack by 9:15 pm. Yeah, we're pretty wild.

It's not like I even have to do un-decorating duties myself. I have a fabulously wonderful woman who comes in once a week and cleans for me (best $10 an hour I've ever spent in my entire life...why I didn't do it sooner, I'll never know). She loves to do stuff like that. Really. I'll let her decide whether to do it this week or next. No reason for me to be unnecessarily decisive.

I really love Christmas. I wish it was two weeks before Christmas all year (okay, except for the rain, and snow, and generally crappy weather). People seem kinder and more willing to help others during the Christmas Season (please note I said Christmas Season and not Holiday political correctness here!). I went to my physical therapist (because I'm old and falling apart) and there was a tree there with names on it for senior citizens who needed stuff. One wanted a new bathrobe, another wanted a sweater. I'd never seen a gift tree for oldsters before. What a wonderful idea. Why didn't I think of that? Oh I know, 'cause then I'd have to think about someone besides's the stoopidist thing.