For most of us Old Chix, fat becomes an accepted part of our lives. Not that we like it or anything, we just tend to accept it more. Mostly because we're too lazy or tired to really do anything about it...except complain. Heaven forbid we should quit shoving food down the ol' pie hole.
I make decisions all the time about getting physically fit. They usually last a couple of hours. It's the follow through I have a problem with. If, God forbid, I had some serious health issue where if I didn't change my eating/exercise habits I'd die, I would probably be better on the follow through. Fortunately I haven't been, and hopefully never will be, faced with this lifestyle altering necessity.
You know how you always see ol' wimmen wearing jackets over their blouses? Even when it's hot, we wear lightweight shirts over tank tops or any kind of sleeveless shirt. It has to be pretty friggin' hot outside before I'll go sleeveless in public. Face it, nobody's really trying to make a fashion statement with a cover up from Omar the Tent Maker. We're trying to cover shit up...like...
Muffin Tops - This sounds kinda cute, doesn't it? And it is...on a two-year-old. If you're past your toddler years, it's not quite so cute. When I was a kid, fat kids had to get their clothes from the "Chubby Girls" or "Husky Boys" sections of clothing at the stores. Even those sugar coated terms are forbidden these days. So far, through sheer luck, I've managed to avoid graduating to "plus-sized" sections of stores. Slowly but surely, I see myself headed in that direction. Muffin tops on ol' wimmen aren't at all cute. Mostly they're a giant wad of flabby girthage hanging down in front that wraps clear around back...into...
Love Handles - Such a romantic sound, right? Andre the Giant fist-sized wads of fat right above the ol' hip bone. Welcome to the club if you can't locate your hipbone visually anywhere on your body. You know it's there...you just can't see it...and haven't for many, many years. Unfortunately for many of us, the love handles blend un-sveltely into the...
GynormAss - Some of us get this. I don't know why. We'll have all this normal size fat on top but from the bottom of our waist, explode into the GynormAss. Where does it come from? And, more importantly, how do we get rid of it? Sometimes it forms a ledge around the back of our butt. Maybe its there to use as a seat to pack kids around on...you know, like monkeys carry their kids around on their backs? A little ledge to them from sliding off, because unlike monkeys or apes our little cuties don't know how to hang on for dear life.
Saddlebags - Doesn't sound quite as cute as muffin top, does it? Sounds like something you'd have to lug around. A load to be carried...which they are. Some women have giant saddlebags packed chock full of fat...and you don't even have to have a GynormAss to have giant saddlebags. You don't see too many men with saddlebags, do you? Why is that? How come men don't have saddlebags? Or Gynormasses? They don't have those either.
Back Fat - Seriously, why do I have fat on my back? Why do you even have fat cells on your back? Does every place in your body have fat cells? I don't think I have any fat cells on my wrists or ankles. Sometimes women get a camel-like hump of fat at the base of the neck. Why in the world is that a place where fat would collect? Do they make turtleneck Spanx for this? And if they do, does it just squeeze the fat up into a double or triple chin? They have special bras now that are supposed to eliminate unsightly back fat. They usually smooth the back fat out but roll up under your boobs so you have a bra roll right under the uni-boob they create.
Armhole Fat - Generally connected to back fat, armhole fat is my current pet peeve. Not that I don't have some of the others, but armhole fat is really noticeable in sleeveless shirts. The other stuff can usually be blocked from sight by loose-fitting garments. And if you have armhole fat, and over four or five decades behind you, you probably have...
Upper Arm Flabulation - The half circle of flab that hangs down from elbow to armpit. Sometimes you don't even know you have this until you see a picture of yourself and are faced with the realization that you have a curtain swag of flabulation hanging from your arm. I saw a long-sleeved Spanx like crop top on an infomercial to keep this particular arm flab from jiggling. When they show these things, they never say that if they're tight enough to halt the swaying flabulation of your upper arm, they're probably squeezing things out the bottom of your bra area...making a reverse muffin top. If you want to look on the bright side, it would be a great Tic Tac or popcorn catcher for when you drop pieces down your shirt.
FUPA - This one had to be explained to me...you can Google it if, like me, you're a cultural imbecile. Heavy duty Spanx work here. They do, however, shove fat upwards into the muffin top area. But, all you glass half fuller's, they do make high waisted Spanx that go all the way to the bottom of your bra. Voila! Problem solved. No more laying down to zip your pants up!
Cankles - I'm not sure if you're born with cankles or if you develop them as you age. You know how some men are shaped so that it looks like they don't have a neck? Their head just seems to sit on their shoulders? That's kinda how cankles are...only way lower. Your calf just goes all the way to your foot. I'm not sure this is a fat related occurrence. But it's a thing...
I know that none of this is strictly "Old Chix" stuff. There's millions of "Young Chix" that have these things too. If I'm totally honest, when I see a Young Chix wearing some fashion forward outfit that does nothing to hide her lumpiness and flabulation, I may not always find it attractive, but I really love the balls it takes to wear it. These Young Chix have a self acceptance that was a rare thing when I was growing up.
After all these years, I've reached the point where I'm happy with clean and un-stinky...it's the Stoopidist Thing.
