Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Washing the Weenie Part Deux

After managing to avoid this disgusting detail (which would make a wonderful episode of "Dirty Jobs" if it hasn't already been done) as long as I could, I finally put on my big girl pants (which are three sizes bigger thanks to Old Chix brunches) and started the task at hand...literally at hand.

It wasn't so much the weenie that needed cleaning as it was the sheath housing said weenie.

After donning pretty pink non latex gloves, Excalibur (gunk in the junk cleaning goo) was liberally placed in the palm of my hand (I had to warm it up because it was willy,willy code outside...and willies don't wike code...sounds like I'm speaking Fudian, doesn't it??). It's a green gooey gel that has an antiseptic smell to it. Don't think it would be something I'd want to rub all over myself, but then I'm not really into eucalyptus type smells. I'm more of a vanilla lover.

Or Amazing Grace...love Amazing Grace.

So, here goes. Horse is tied at the post. Now this probably wasn't the best horse for my first time trying this. He's flighty, and spooks pretty easily, (Probably why he was free...that and the fact that they couldn't catch him) but he stands tied calmly looking at me (he really is a cute little thing) as I approach with palms filled with gobs of goo.

I reach down and touch the outside of the sheath and he doesn't move, so I work my way up inside. As soon as my hand is inside, I can feel the gunk lining the sides. GROSS, GROSS, GROSS. I actually didn't think it would be like this because his penis was really clean. Now I'm actually peeling this stuff of the inside of his sheath and when it comes out, it looks like pieces of beef jerky (which I will never eat again as long as I live). There's so much of this gunk in there that I wonder if it will ever all get out. No wonder his penis was clean, every time it dropped out it was scraping along all this gunk on the inside. Amazingly, the boy stands there for all this and even seems to be enjoying himself (this creeps me out a little...actually, more than a little).

After peeling a bunch of the stuff off, it seems like what's left is getting harder and harder to remove. At this point, I decide to smear a bunch of the goo up inside the sheath and leave it overnight to (hopefully) soften up what's left. Since you don't have to rinse this stuff off I figure it's safe.

Now I get to go back tonight and see if I can finish the job. Not only is it disgustingly gross, it hurts my old gimpy back to stand hunched over. I'm old and stiff and sore and crabby.

We're probably going to find out years from now that this is a totally unnecessary process and that gunk in the junk is actually beneficial for the horse. I mean, what do wild horses do? Who cleans their gunk..or junk? Maybe someone could 'splain eet tew mee. Por favor?? (Yes, I'm bilingual...well not really, I can only say por favor..and I don't know how to make the little accent mark.) One day we will probably find that smegma (gunk) is probably a necessary product the horse's body manufactures in order to keep bugs out of his sheath or something like that (really, I can't even believe a maggot would want to live in that stuff). But I'm quite sure that nobody will discover this until I've been sufficiently humiliated by this whole process and someone actually takes a picture of me with my hands wrapped around a horses' dick smiling for all the world to see.

I know it will happen. It's just a matter of time...it's the stoopidist thing.

P.S. I think he smiled and winked at me when I left last night.