Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Why The World Doesn't Revolve Around Me

I'm sure nobody in the store guessed that inwardly I was a raging maniac hurling obscenities at the prissy blond woman holding up the line at the checkout counter.

She with the sixties long, straight, blond hair parted in the middle...wearing a fashionably fitted button front blouse tucked into a fashionable knee length A-line skirt...with fashionable flats that matched the fashionable belt wrapping her barely double digit waist.  She with the "I just smelled something bad" look on her fifty something face looking at everyone down her perky little nose. It's one of the few parts that doesn't wrinkle or does, however, grow continuously...albeit slowly...and why do they get so bulbous?

This complete stranger inspired my rage...I wanted to knock her fucking head off.   But I didn't.
Why, you ask?  Because that would be rude...and I've had it drilled into my head from the time I was itty bitty that you always, I mean always, have to be polite.  Plus, it would be a crime I would probably go to jail for...and there were witnesses all around.  I may be stoopid but even I'm not that stoopid.  Even though I'm seething inside a smile stays pasted to my face..."a smile is just a frown turned upside down"...remember that song?  I know it wasn't a "real" smile.  It was one of those half smiles you see on ol' wimmen who look like they have no idea what's going on around them...sort of a La Di Da, every thing's right with the world smile. Totally fake...

Now, call me crazy, but I always thought you were suppose to finish your shopping BEFORE you head to the checkout counter.  In fact, I'm fairly certain that that's the way it's suppose to work.  It's why they give you carts.  So you can wheel around the store putting all the things you want to buy in one place and when you get everything you need, you take all your stuff at once and streamlines the process.  Otherwise you'd spend hours buying things one at a time.

Of course, if I stop and think about it, buying one thing at a time might force me to do more walking...walk from the car to the grocery aisle, get my item...or two if I can carry more than one...walk to the checkout and pay...walk out to the car and put my stuff in...walk back to the store for the next item(s)...and repeat as necessary.  If I walked more, I'd burn more calories...if I burned more calories, maybe I'd lose weight.  I may be on to something here...The SIS (Single Item Shopping) Diet.  It could work.  Once I get the kinks worked out, look out Weight Watchers...

So anyway, back to the object of my rage...PB (Prissy Blond) was at the checkout, followed by a teenage girl and then yours truly.  PB's almost done when she starts telling CC (Chubby Checker...not to be confused with the sixties sensation of the same name...this really was a chubby checker.)  how she couldn't find something she was looking for.  CC assures her that the store has the item she wants...and she sends him to fetch it for her...while the rest of us wait...and wait...and wait.

Nary a word of apology passes her lips as PB glances our way.  No "I'm really sorry to make you wait", no "I'm sorry but my child is sick and really needs this", PB just stands there acting like the world revolves around her...which it apparently does.  So I guess my mom was right...the world doesn't revolve around me because fucking PB had it revolving around her...  I always secretly wanted to be thin and have long straight blonde hair when I was younger.  Maybe I instinctively knew that if I did, the world actually would revolve around me.

Now I realize that when you're standing in line waiting, minutes seem like hours.  I get that.  It doesn't make me like it any better though.  I also get that I'm essentially an Impatient Patty type...and most if not all of my impatience is directed at people.  People tend to annoy me.  Animals rarely annoy me but people...sometimes I just wanna kill 'em.  Figuratively speaking of course...

So I stand silently appearing patient, half smile pasted on my face, shifting my weight from leg to leg...(gimpy back screams from standing still too long) until finally with sweat glistening on his brow, CC comes bustling back to his checkout counter holding a little bag above his head like a flag.  He hands it to PB so happy and proud that he could find it for her... and she tells him it's not the right flavor...and doesn't buy it...and walks out the door like the world revolves around her...which apparently it does.

I'd have been so grateful to the kid for trying that I'd have bought it no matter what it was.  I even wanted to tell him I'd buy it...and I didn't even know what it was.  To this day I don't know if it was a bag of cough drops or gummy bear like vitamins, but that's the kind of bag it was.

I don't know why I let myself get annoyed at strangers who couldn't care less even if they knew they were annoying me...but I can't help's the stoopidist thing.

P.S.  I think I'd like it better if the world actually did revolve around me.