How is it that some people know exactly the right thing to say...at exactly the right time? And why can't I be one of them?
Some people are so verbally gifted they can articulate a thought the instant it enters their brain...and not only do they not sound stoopid, they manage to sound supremely intelligent to boot. Unlike me who stumbles through life stubbing my forehead on the ground while trying to get my foot out of my mouth. Why can't I be like those other people?
Obviously at this late stage of my life chances of me ever blossoming into any sort of verbal judo black belt are slim to none. But it would be nice to...occasionally...be able to deliver a witty retort...preferably one that actually made sense. Instead out pops the good ol' stand by "Oh yeah... well.... so????? Or the equally fabulous "fuck you".
Was there some kind of class I missed in school that taught stuff like this? One of the many, many, classes I cut in favor of partying and doing stuff I shouldn't have been doing? Did I fry my brain with drugs and alcohol to the point that neurotransmitter function was slowed to a snails pace? Is that why I'm slow?
It's not that I'm a complete imbecile. I may not be at the top of the smart scale but I can, most of the time, form compete sentences. Not always...but most of the time I can even spell correctly...and when I can't, I'm smart enough to use spell check. Although I have to admit, spell check doesn't help at all for shit like there/their, your/you're...etc.
Sometimes I do think of a fabulously witty comeback but it's always several hours later when it can do me no good. And it's not like you can shove those witty little jewels into the brain vault for future use because they never fit into the slots like you think they will. Oh, you think...I can't wait until somebody says "this" to me so I can say "that" to them...but it never works out that way. The "that" that you've been saving never fits in with whatever their "this" is. Does that make sense?
When you have it drilled into your head from the time you learn to talk that you're always supposed to be polite it's really hard to change that kind of thinking. Maybe because my mom forced me to polite I never developed the skills necessary to deliver a well placed barb.
Maybe I just don't have the killer instinct. Because it's either that or I'm slightly imbecilic...maybe a combination of both...it's the stoopidist thing.