Wednesday, June 22, 2016

All About Lois

The Old Chix got together recently for brunch at a local casino buffet. Dr. Norman, Unofficial Old Chix, was the sole teetotaler. The rest of us got slightly buzzed on champagne. At least I did. But I'm such a light weight drinker it doesn't take much to get me buzzed.

The highlight of the get together, for me anyway, was a chance to see Lois, affectionately known as Anal Spice.  I'm not sure she sees as much humor in her Old Chix pet name as I do. If I'm being honest, I can't say that she sees ANY humor in it at all. I could be wrong. Anyway, Lois got a new job a short time ago that made her kind of a big wig. She works out of the area so we don't see her as much as we'd like.,.although she probably sees us as much as she likes. I think we like her more than she likes us. I could be wrong. I mean, what's not to like?

During the cruise we went on last year, Lois introduced us to her "head gear". She suffers from TMJ and the best the medical community could do for her was give her a mouthpiece that she was supposed to wear at night. Which she did...faithfully...every night. And she didn't just put in it right before shutting out the lights and going to sleep. Not our Lois, the supreme rule, she put it in a couple of hours before lights she was supposed to...and then she tried to talk with it in her mouth...sounding like Daffy Duck or Sylvester...thuffering thuccotash. No was hilarious...and she was mocked endlessly, but in a good way. Here's this woman who looks put together all the time...even in a bathrobe, but when she opens her mouth and speaks, cartoon characters emerge from the ol' pie hole. At first you think it's a joke...but it's not. It's one of those instances where you know you shouldn't laugh about it, let alone make fun of her, but you (meaning me and the other Assholians...) just can't help it. Fortunately for us she's incredibly good natured. Although looking back, it could explain why she's not as happy to see us as we are to see her.

But back to brunch...Lois got new head gear. Secretly I couldn't wait to see it. I had visions of bands of metal wrapping around her head all attached to some medieval torture device implanted in her mouth...and I was sadly disappointed. The new head gear that she's now supposed to wear ALL the time...except when she's eating, looks like those clear braces you see people wearing...but it doesn't straighten her teeth out. You could see it as soon as she smiled but then, I knew she was wearing it so maybe someone who didn't know her wouldn't be able to tell.

The new gear forces her lower to jaw jut out from below her upper teeth making her look like Karl Childers. I kinda kept expecting her to grunt "um hmm" in true Sling Blade slang. She didn't, of course, and my high hopes were dashed to smithereens. It does, however, make all her words sound like they have an "sh" sound to them and causes her to over exaggerate her lip movement in an effort to enunciate.

I end up cracking myself up imagining her trying to discipline one of her underlings and wondering how they would ever be able to keep from laughing when they were supposed to be serious. Never in a million years would I be able to keep a straight face in a situation like that. I'd give anything to be a fly on the wall when she has to conduct a job interview with someone who's never met her just to see their reaction. I know that's kind of a weird thing to think about and truthfully, I have no idea what damage to my psyche has occurred that makes me think this kind of shit is's the stoopidist thing.

Pee Ess:  Lois had the last laugh when we played Watch Ya' Mouth at an Old Chix gala this weekend. All her previous head gear experience made it really easy for her to talk with a simple dental lip & cheek retractor.