Monday, May 23, 2016

Yikes!!!

I am utterly terrified of bugs. Even the ones that don't bite are creepy. The creepiest of all are Potato Bugs. They look prehistoric to me. They're the dinosaur of bugs. I used to think they were really sluggish and slow moving...because the only time I saw them was when I was doing yard work. Turn over a rock and underneath...yikes!!! Potato Bug. Every time this happens, the Outside Bug ritual begins...scream, jump back...hopefully without falling...and spend the next five minutes shuddering and making unintelligible noises. Is there a name for those sounds?  Like "uggg"? Non verbal sounds of disgust? Then I take a shovel and fling the thing as far as I can away from me.

Well I found out the hard way that Potato Bugs CAN move fast. I was sitting in my chair, fat, dumb, and happy, watching something on TV, probably one of The Real Housewives, or some other stoopid thing I'm ashamed to be addicted to...when I saw a small dark shape crawling across the floor. An embarrassing side note here...it's the movement that gets noticed, not the dark spot...I have animals in the house so...let's just say nobody would ever want to eat off my floors...or carpet...but I don't think most people would eat off a carpet because of the little fuzzies that would get attached to whatever you were eating. Unless of course, it's a non porous food object like candy coated M&M's. (Another embarrassing side note...I will pick up food off the carpet and eat it...it just depends how bad I really want it...and if there's no cat hair on it.)

My In-House bug ritual began..springing into action, I ran to the cupboard, grabbed a glass, and tried to cover the disgusting little dino bug thinking, mistakenly, that they're a slo-mo mover. When I bent down to put the glass over him he ran...fast. This scared me so bad I jumped back and almost wasn't quick enough to get the glass over him before he got under the chair. Fear induced adrenaline was my savior. Yes, that adrenalized burst of energy gave me the speed, even in my decrepit state, needed to jail the little bastard. You can't imagine the relief I felt when the demon was safely covered in his little glass jailhouse.

You might think it's weird that I would cover a bug with a glass. But I just can't bring myself to smash them. I'd like to think I'm being kind...sparing a life...but the truth is I can't stand the crunching sound when you smash them...not to mention the residual bug goo. No, I cover them up and wait for The Husband to get up and throw them outside. If he's out of town, I take a thin piece of sturdy paper or cardboard and slide it carefully under the glass making a floor for the little demon to stand on while I try to get it out the door without dropping the glass. I have to say it's hard to hold the paper floor under the glass when your hands are shaking and trying to open the sliding door at the same time. Many times I've failed in this bug eviction process and had to start over.

The Husband likes to tell the people he works with that he gets up in the morning or comes home from work to find the living room floor covered with bugs in glass jails. He's a big fat liar...the most there's ever been at one time is two.

I've had two Potato Bugs at the beginning of winter this year, within a few days of each other. None since. I'm hoping it was a weird coincidence and that they weren't scouts for some Potato Bug army preparing a future invasion.

Oddly I'm not afraid of snakes, lizards, or mice. I mean, if they dart in front of me unexpectedly I'll get a  little startled but other than that they don't instill fear. Bugs do..

Last night I was sitting in the chair wrapped up in my pink bathrobe watching TV. I had my laptop in my lap and when I went to cross my legs under me I felt something on the back of my thigh. It felt big...and kinda hard. I immediately thought OMG Potato Bug, flung the laptop onto the ottoman, and grabbed the back of my leg bunching the bug up in a fistful of robe safely away from my skin.

It was impossible to get the robe off without letting go of the fistful holding the bug so I tried to hold the robe as far away as I could so that when I opened my fist, the bug would drop to the floor while I threw the robe off and onto the chair. Nothing dropped. So then I bent over and gingerly, with my thumb and forefinger, opened the folded part where the bug was.

Only it wasn't a demon Potato Bug. It was part of a cookie I'd eaten the night before. I'm obviously such a slob that I can't eat without getting food all over the place. At first I thought it was cat barf..a glob of the dry food snake that cats barf up...and I was relieved that it was cat barf and not a Potato Bug. Cat barf, while disgusting, doesn't instill fear in my heart. It was only when I grabbed a paper towel and peeled it off that I realized it was part of a cookie that I'd managed to smash under my ass while I was eating. I have no idea how I was able to accomplish that without feeling it...and can only guess that while I was eating it, it was still soft and chewey, but after hanging all day got dried and hard.

With a complete lack of personal responsibility I blame The Pioneer Woman for the whole bug scare episode. I could have had a heart attack out of fear. If she hadn't put all those recipes on her website I never would have made those cookies and the entire incident could have been avoided. It's the stoopidist thing.