Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Boss Mocking

At the office where I work my co-workers and I occasionally...okay...we frequently engage in the sport of “Boss Mocking”. I’m sure this is a sport that all office workers take part in on a daily basis. It’s not difficult and everyone of all ages and sexes can join in on the fun...well, except the mockee...

First rule of Boss Mocking is never, never, engage in mocking when the mockee is around...fortunately, our mockee is gone a lot and when he is here, he really isn’t aware of what’s going on around him...which to our delight is simply more fodder for mocking.

Not that there’s any lack of fuel to fan our Boss Mocking flames...no sir, not here. Imagine a cross between Inspector Clouseau and Mr. Magoo....with a little Pig Pen thrown in and voilé...you have our beloved boss. Okay, maybe not beloved...but I think we all actually like him because the truth is, he’s a really nice guy. In fact it’s his saving grace...being a nice guy. If he were an asshole AND a dunder, he’d be intolerable.

I think everyone should compete in the office sport of Boss Mocking. It’s a great tension reliever if you follow a few simple rules. Keep in mind, that there are always going to be exceptions to every rule.

Rule 1) As stated above, never engage in Boss Mocking, when the mockee is nearby.

Rule2) Never mock physical appearance...clothing and hairstyles are fair game...as are any type of accessories. Physical abnormalities, such as huge noses, Dumboesque ears, warts, moles, and excessive hairiness can be addressed on a boss by boss basis.

Rule 3) Never engage in Boss Mocking when there’s a suck up employee around who’s going to run and tell the Boss he’s being mocked. This only causes non suck ups to hate the suck ups even more than they already do. However, suck ups should be aware that the more they suck up, the more they subject themselves to Co-Worker Mocking which is an offshoot of Boss Mocking...sort of like the flag football of Boss Mocking.

Rule 4) Boss Mocking is supposed to be a fun sport. Never engage in Boss Mocking when you’re really pissed off at your boss. Generally I find if I vent my initial anger to the Princess or other sympathetic employee, it gets out of the system and we’re ready for a laugh filled round of Boss Mocking.

Rule 5) Care should be taken when mocking in writing. Texting and emails should be brief and concise lest them come back to bite you in the ass. Never under any circumstances put the name of the mockee in writing...one line is usually sufficient to express your displeasure.

Email example: Can you believe what a dunder he is?

Text example: can u believe wht a dunder he is

Old Chix Code example: khan ewe beeleeve whuta dunder hee ez?

Occasionally we decide that we’re going to stop ridiculing the boss. One time we even decided we were going to each put a quarter in a cup every time we said something bad about him and when we filled it up, we were going to get pizza. This ceasing of mockery doesn’t work for two reasons...first, you have to keep the cup a secret from the boss lest he know he is being mocked...second, Boss Mocking has become such an ingrained part of our daily life that we would spend the majority of our meager salary putting quarters into a cup.

So instead of deciding to stop the mockery, I’ve decided to embrace it and promote the sport of Boss Mocking worldwide...it's the stoopidist thing.