Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Pizzle

You learn something new every day. This weekend I was hanging out with OF (Old Friend of undesirable snackage fame) and I mentioned I had to get chews for the Cartoon Dog from Costco. I was talking about how much the dog loved them and how bad they stink when they’re being chewed. OF asked me if they were “Bully” sticks...I didn’t know but I described them to her...about 18 inches long rawhide chews kind of brownish, different thicknesses but all the same length. OF then tells me that they’re made from bull penises. I don’t think I really believed her...or maybe I just didn’t want to believe her.

So what did I do? I went to my trusty computer, found my friend Mr. Google, and lo and behold there are many brands of “Bully” sticks...all made from bull or steer “pizzle” which, I find, is just another way of saying penis. They also make whips from bull pizzle. Just a little bit of trivia I thought I’d throw in...it could be a question on Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit...you never know when a little pizzle will come in handy.

I suppose I should be glad that all “parts” of the animal are being used, but it really bothers me to see the Cartoon Dog happily chewing on a dried penis. She’s gets so excited when I tell her to get on the blanket...she just wiggles all over knowing that she’s going to get a treat. It’s a nightly ritual. Takes her less than an hour to devour one.

Do they wash the pizzles before they dry them? Do they smell so bad because of urine droplets left on them? Or worse, because of dried semen?

I’ve tried giving her other kinds of chews in the past, but she doesn’t like them. She only likes the “Bully” sticks. I suppose it’s better than having her snack on cat turds...which she LOVES...or horse shit which she LOVES. Of the three, the horse poop is the least offensive to me but it’s still pretty gross to watch her chow down on fresh, literally steaming, horse poop. Maybe it bothers me less because it doesn’t stink as bad as cat poop...and I love horses.

I think sometimes I’m better off not knowing what things are made of. I didn’t really want to know that my precious Cartoon Dog was gnawing on a bull dick. And I really don’t want to know what’s in a hot dog...or bologna...or Spam for that matter. Now that I know what it means, I’m afraid if I look at the ingredients I’ll see the word “pizzle”...and know I’ve been happily ingesting penises all my life.

But, every cloud does have a silver lining..I do have to admit, now that I know, I’m really looking forward to calling some poor unsuspecting man a pizzle head, pizzleless moron, little pizzle, big pizzle, or any combination that comes to mind...I’m soooo mature that way...it's the stoopidist thing.