Thursday, September 15, 2011

Hooray...Survivor's Back

I’m a huge Survivor fan...and a Real Housewives fan...and a Flipping out fan...and an Amazing Race fan...but this is about Survivor. A friend from work always has a Survivor pool and we draw names. This time the tribes are called Savaii and Upolu. I have no idea where they get these names. I’m sure they have some magical island meaning that I’m unaware of, but I’m not curious enough right now to use my friend, Mr. Google, to find out.

Last night was the premiere episode when all the tribes get to their island and find out that there’s two players from previous episodes coming into the game. This is kind of becoming a recurring theme on Survivor...bring back popular players from previous seasons. At least they didn’t bring back the Terrible Troll, Russell...this time it’s Coach and Ozzy. Ozzy is the cute surfer dude who all the girls like. He’s an incredible athlete, easy on the eyes, and seems like a genuinely nice guy. Coach, who calls himself “The Dragon Slayer” is a complete buffoon. Totally impressed with himself and completely self absorbed, he prides himself on honesty and integrity. Which is why he’s never won. It’s a game where you’re supposed to be deceitful and... the most deceitful and manipulative player usually wins. Not always, but usually.

My player for season 23 is Keith from the Savaii tribe. This is way better than the last few players I’ve had. Keith is young, athletic, seems like a nice guy, and hopefully will hang in there to the end and make me a winner...it is all about me, after all. The fact that he’s big and strong should keep him around for a while providing he doesn’t turn out to be a complete asshole.

My favorite player is Cochran. I love him. He’s 24, a Harvard law student...and one of the nerdiest guys in the world. This guy is endearingly nerdy...and he embraces his nerdiness. He’s got coke bottle glasses, red hair, and skin whiter than new fallen snow. When beach boy, Ozzie, suggested everyone go swimming, poor Cochran didn’t want to do it. He was embarrassed to take his clothes off because his skin was so white, claiming he was so translucent you could see his organs through his skin. Cracked me up. But he sucked it up and joined in. He’s like one of the nerdy boys from Sixteen Candles. I love him...mostly because he seems like such an underdog and I always root for the underdog. It would take a miracle for him to win but I’m rooting for him even if it means I lose the pool.

Beach boy, Ozzie, thinks he’s running things, but I’m thinking it’s going to be Jim. Jim started out by lying to everyone by saying he’s a teacher. Jim runs a medical marijuana dispensary in Colorado. I’m thinkin’ Jim may be the guy who wins it all.

Papa Bear is a retired NYPD detective, gay, and affable enough that the younger kids will keep him around if they can. He seems like he’d be a fun guy to hang out with.

Dawn is the other oldster in the tribe (41...which to people my age, doesn’t seem old at all...and yes, I know that that’s something old people say). She’s an English professor at BYU. I’m guessin’ she’s Mormon since she lives in Utah, teaches at BYU, and has six kids...I know it’s wrong to assume, and probably politically incorrect...but all the other Mormons I know have bunches of kids too. She looks great for having six kids, but lost me when she started crying about how it was so different from home...waa...waa..waa...I don’t see her making it very far if she keeps up the teary eyed, poor me attitude. Plus she seems like the type who wants to “discuss feelings”...not my cup of tea.

Brandon is the nephew of Russel Hantz...the self professed all time greatest Survivor player who never won...this kid is trying to keep it a secret that he’s Russel’s nephew to the point where he won’t take off his t shirt lest someone see the name Hantz tattooed on his back and arm. So what does he do? He goes fishing with his shirt tucked up over his neck so that it looks like a lady’s shrug...dum de dum dum....made him look like an idiot. During the preview for next week’s show, it looks like he’s going to confess his true identity to Coach. Will he?...Won’t he?...OMG...I don’t know if I can handle the suspense.

Semhar, the “Spoken Word Artist”...(can anyone really make a living doing that?) failed miserably in the challenge...because (spoken in a whiney voice) when she volunteered she didn’t know she would be soooo tired and she didn’t know those coconut basketballs would be soooo heavy. Waaaa, waaaaa.,waaaa...Miss Spoken Word Artist was unable to articulate a good enough reason for the rest of the tribe to keep her around and during tribal council she was the first one voted off (much to the delight of Cochran who was pathetically worried it was going to be him...I thought he was going to cry). So much for Miss Spoken Word Artist’s verbal abilities...maybe she should have offered the boy tribe members BJ’s to keep her around.

Didn’t get to see Semhar’s landing on Redemption Island so maybe next week they’ll show it. I have the DVR set to record so I don’t miss a minute...plus I can fast forward through commercials. Sadly, this is my life...it's the stoopidist thing.