Thursday, June 2, 2011

OMG I Farted!

I'd like to start by saying I have never intentionally farted in front of another human being in my adult life.  Sure when I was a kid I would do it and laugh hysterically when my mom looked horrified at me, wondering what kind of a daughter she was who didn't like dolls and was way more content being a tomboy.  She obviously made an impression on me that farts are a private bodily function that should never be shared with family or friends. 

In our family the term for a fart was a "boom".  The question "did you boom?" would always be followed by someone laughing or at least snickering.  When my mom was growing up she said they had to call them "fluffies" at her house.  I don't know which is worse, boom or fluffy.  I always thought it would be funny to have a friend at the dinner table and casually ask them "did you boom?"  just to see what my family's reaction would be.  I actually regret not ever doing that.  It would have been really funny.

So yesterday I was talking to a friend, I'll call her "C".   To be totally accurate, we weren't actually talking, we were emailing back & forth.  C is my age so naturally we were talking about aches and pains like all old wimmen do.  Very pathetic, I know, but we can't help it.  C also happens to be the only other person I've ever met who grew up eating peanut butter, lettuce, & mayonnaise sandwiches, which sadly for her, makes her nearly as weird as me. 

We were talking about a certain pain we both have in our hips and she was telling me about some kind of move the chiropractor performed.  I jokingly asked if this was one of those "pull my finger" kind of moves that people are so fond of (mostly men).  I could just picture her sitting there laughing at the thought of me trying to get someone to do this miraculous "move" on me and me farting in the process and being totally embarrassed.  What...does she think I'm stoopid???  I'm not falling for that old "miraculous move" stuff.

So even though I've never intentionally farted in front of other people, there was a time....

I was in WalMart where I went specifically to get Hebrew National Hot Dogs because they were cheaper than at the grocery store.  Of course I had other things to get so I got all the other stuff and went to the refrigerator section last...perishable items, you know. 

Finally I'm done & head to the refrigerator section.  When I turn around the corner, there's a kid standing in front of the hot dog section and giving me a really weird look.  I call him a kid, but he was probably in his late teens, early twenties...a kid to me.  So anyway I'm thinkin' he's some kind of nut the way he's looking at me and all of a sudden he walks away from me toward the other end of the isle, really fast. 

When I reach his spot I become enveloped in a huge cloud of fart stink.  OMG it was soooo bad.  Now I know why he was giving me such a weird look.  I interrupted his private farting session.  I almost started laughing...yes, even through the putrid stench, I still thought it was funny.  As I reach in to get my hot dogs, around the same corner from whence I came, comes a mother and her two little kids.  Now I feel like I've just been caught farting because the original Fart Boy is long gone but the stench remains...and I'm right in the middle of it.  I know Soccer Mom thinks I did it.  Now I'm in a I acknowledge the stench and try to explain it wasn't me but the already disappeared Fart Boy?  I know she wouldn't believe me.  I probably had the same look on my face that Fart Boy had on his when I interrupted him.   Kindly, she didn't acknowledge the smell.  The only thing that would have made it more perfect is if one of her kids had said something.  You know she would have been trying to shush them up so I wouldn't be embarrassed by the fact that (she thought) I had been caught sneaking a fart. 

I now think of this every time I see Hebrew National Hot Dogs and have come to accept the fact that I'm obviously never going to outgrow the immaturity of thinking farts are's the stoopidist thing.