Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Tournament

Last weekend I went to a poker tournament at the B.I.L’s (brother in law) house. Usually I’m the only female who plays. This time I conned O.F. (Old Friend of undesirable snackage fame) into going. “It’ll be fun” I told her.. “for forty bucks you get to play and have pizza & beer and you might win some money”...she said she’d been “wanting to try new things” and “I like pizza & beer” so off we went...since I don’t like beer, I took a couple of Mikes Hard Lemonade’s (pomegranate flavor) so I’d have some adult beverages to drink.

When we got there, I opened one of the Mike’s and O.F. put the other one in the communal ice chest which held mass quantities of beer. After I drank the first one, I went to get the second and...it was gone...out of the corner of my eye, I saw the culprit...sitting at another table with my only other adult beverage in front of him. Now tell me, what kind of man drinks a pomegranate flavored sissy adult beverage in front of a bunch of men when there’s tons of beer available??? A girly man, that’s what kind. Asshole...I had to beg another adult beverage from my SIL (sister in law...who is a saint, by the way). I wouldn’t have minded if I’d brought a bunch of them, but I was in a hurry and didn’t have time to stop at the store...I know I’m being childish and petty now...and now I’m starting to be ashamed of myself for being so petty...but I really wanted that pomegranate lemonade...anyway...

There’s a usual cast of characters at these things and when I look at groups like this, myself included, we all look like a bunch of Far Side people. No shit.....sad but true. It’s mostly a bunch of gray haired, middle aged-to-old men wearing print, button down shirts, to cover the ever present paunch... with a few youngsters thrown in for good measure. My hair isn’t gray thanks to Crazy D the hair guy but I had the requisite over-blouse to cover my own muffin top...which is just the cutesy way of saying paunch...which is just another word for fat. We all had it...at least us oldsters did....

So yet another oldster problem...my complete lack of memory, is never more apparent than when I go to any kind of social function. I always, okay, nearly always, remember faces...but I never remember names. This isn’t usually a problem since I can say “hi, how’re ya doin’, long time no see...yadda, yadda...” You don’t have to remember names for that. The problem starts when I take someone like O.F. along who doesn’t know anyone...therefore, I’m forced to be polite and make the obligatory introductions. Here’s my brilliant way of dealing with the problem...say I’m introducing O.F. to Neighbor Bob... “Hey Neighbor Bob...this is O.F...O.F, Neighbor Bob” then, when they’re shaking hands or saying hello...I whisper conspiratorially in Neighbor Bob’s ear “that guy over there in the print shirt...I can’t remember his name...what is it?”...Neighbor Bob whispers back in the same conspiratory manner “that’s T shirt Bob” or “Mike”, or whatever...then I go to that guy and say “hey, Mike, this is O.F....O.F., Mike” and so on and so on...pretty soon I’ve introduced O.F. to everyone and everyone thinks I know their name...pretty brilliant shit, huh??? Sometimes I amaze myself.

It’s actually a really fun, goofy, group of guys, there’s the B.I.L. who had a stroke a couple of years ago and still has a little speech impediment which...makes him sound a little retarded (I know it’s a politically incorrect term...I don’t care)...he uses this to his advantage... on a regular basis. Neighbor Bob, aptly designated so as not to confuse him with the other Bob (T shirt Bob), and because he lives next door...Jeff,super nice guy, ex husband of the BIL’s ex wife...long story, he's on the short side, one of the few non-paunched he bears a striking resemblance to Droopy Dog...these guys are the regulars. Then there was another guy who I’ve seen before who I think was named Mike...I could be wrong about this...in fact I’m probably wrong...I probably just made the name up because it started with the letter “M” and he looked like Meatloaf...he really did...the singer, not the food. We were sitting at the table & I whispered to O.F. “Doesn’t that guy look like Meatloaf?” she started laughing...“Yes”. I think (actually, I know) I’ll call him Meatloaf from now on...the main thing about this guy though, was how fast he could suck down a beer. I couldn’t believe it. He’d open one and in an instant it was gone...like magic. Un-fucking-believable.

At the end of the table was one of the youngsters, a kid probably in his 30's...which really doesn’t make him a kid, now does it? But compared to me, he’s a kid. Anyway, this guy, (I’ll call him The Kid) is one of those types who’s the life of the party, loves being the center of attention, and probably is wherever he goes. Nice looking guy, laughing, singing, making jokes and being just generally entertaining. The Kid is the kind of guy that your daughter would want to marry and the type of guy that you would hope she wouldn’t marry. He’s the type of guy who ends up being sixty years old with a comb over, driving a red Corvette, wearing an open front shirt from which the gold chains around his neck peek out. The Kid lacks substance...something that ninety per cent of all young women would overlook....and ninety per cent of all old women wouldn’t live without. Things sure change when you get old, don’t they?

I always wonder about people like this. Are they really naturally this outgoing or do they behave like this because they’re insecure and need attention? I guess this is just one of life’s great mysteries. Okay, I know...it’s really not even close to being one of the great mysteries of life...just something stuck in my pea brain that I ponder occasionally.

As the game was coming to an end, O.F. and I were sitting there watching The Kid hold court (while he consumed numerous brewskies) at the end of the table when all of a sudden, he jumped up and announced to the table “I have to go make a pee pee”. Any trace of masculinity, real or imagined, vanished before my eyes...I looked at O.F. and said “did he just say he was going to make a pee pee?”

She was laughing and nodded her head...I think she mentally revoked his man card when she heard it too...it's the stoopidist thing.