Saturday, February 5, 2011

Grocery Store Rage

In addition to my little road rage problem, I seem to be developing a little grocery store rage problem. Maybe I've always had it and now that I'm old I just notice it more. Maybe not. In any case I find myself raging inwardly at all the truly self absorbed, impolite, idiots lining the isles at my local grocery store.

Now, I'm sick, so my annoyance level is pretty much set at high because of that..really, usually I'm only moderately annoyed. There are occasions when all's right with the world and I'm not annoyed at all. Those occasions are, admittedly, few and far between. But it does happen, sometimes. Yesterday wasn't one of those days.

Before I even got in the store, another merry shopper took the parking spot I was aiming for. Is that a politically incorrect term these days??? "Aiming for"?...Sounds kinda violent, doesn't it?. They won, I lost. First strike of the day, losing that spot.

So I walk from my parking spot in BFE (Bum Fuck Egypt for the unknowing) wheezing and hacking all the way (did I mention that I really am sick?) and finally get to the shopping cart section in front of the store. This is a discount food warehouse where the carts are lined up in front of the store...often times filled with debris from previous shoppers who think it's perfectly acceptable to eat products while they shop and leave the sticky wrappers in the cart for the next shopper to deal with. They need a sign at the cart drop off spots "Attention Shoppers: IF YOU CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU GET HOME TO EAT, AT LEAST THROW AWAY YOUR FUCKING TRASH!" I'm sure this will never happen...but I can dream.

The reason they probably won't do this is that it would then require the store to provide a garbage receptacle of some type near the carts...then they'd have shoppers bringing their trash from home and dumping it so they wouldn't have to pay for garbage service...or they'd pull up, clean out all the trash from their car and leave...this is a discount food outlet, after all, and people are there to try and save money...take me for example, I obviously thought of it so why wouldn't everyone else?? the store. After finding a debris free cart and making sure said cart didn't have the one wheel that doesn't turn...thus making horrible sounds..which make people stare..which I hate..or the one wheel that rolls crooked and makes a thud thud, thud thud sound...and makes the whole cart pull to one side...which also makes people stare...which I hate, the shopping begins.

I usually love grocery shopping, because I love food. My food tastes are simple. White trash cooking suits me perfectly. If it ain't fried, it ain't food. There is no lettuce but iceberg in my world...and no dressing so wonderful as Ranch. Does it get any better? Really? But I'm sick and I don't want to be there.

For some reason, the store's exceptionally crowded. The isles are nice and wide but people are like, three and four across in some spots. No one was following grocery store isle etiquette. There should be a flow, like traffic, you stay on the right hand side of the isle you're travelling through. Thank God I was able to avoid the near head on collisions with the isle etiquette unobservers.

After several near fatal collisions with the isle etiquette unobservers, I make it to the check out stand unharmed. Barely. Now I'm standing behind a mother and her teenage daughter. The daughter standing slack jawed leaning over the shopping cart seat appears, from her mannerisms, to be completely uninterested in the whole grocery shopping experience. But really, how many teenage girls want to spend their Saturday going grocery shopping with their mom???

There is, I might add, an additional grocery store etiquette that needs to be observed. It's called 'Once your cart is unloaded, move it the fuck up so the shopper behind you can put their items on the conveyor belt. And guess what??? I'm behind the etiquette unobservers. Again. I don't know why God is punishing me.

So anyway, here's mom & daughter spending quality time together and they finally move their cart up...not enough to do any good mind you...they're still blocking the majority of the space between checkout stands. Guess what they're doing? Yes, instead of moving their cart beyond the isle to the end of the conveyor, they've chosen, in clear violation of all grocery store etiquette, to bag & load while blocking the isle thus preventing all other shoppers behind them from completing their shopping experience in a timely manner.

I wanted to scream at them. I wanted to tell mom, in her too tight shirt that showed every single roll of fat from her hips up, that she shouldn't try to wear her daughter's clothes. I wanted to ram my cart right into slack jawed teenie bopper's butt.

Did I? Of course not. Why? Because I feel compelled to be polite...even when I'm inwardly seething with rage. It's the stoopidist thing.