Tuesday, May 10, 2016


I think I've had a moment of brilliance, actually I'm sure of it. It all happened this morning when I woke up unexpectedly at three aye - em or zero dark thirty whichever you prefer. It was an ungodly early hour for sure. Trusty dog, Briley the Freakster, woke me up with a woof to go out to pee. Which, even though annoying, is a good thing if you consider the alternative is peeing on the floor. Sometimes I wonder, as I stagger around, if I've taught her to wake me up by telling her she's a good dog or if she naturally is a good dog who doesn't want to pee inside. Because I really don't want to get up in the middle of the night...every night...occasionally several times a night, to open and close the door for the dog...but I do. But I'm afraid to tell her to go back to bed because what if she has diarrhea and really can't wait? Then not only would I feel horrible for making her wait but I'd have runny dog shit all over the place. It's that thought that keeps me getting up in the middle of the night.

That's not the brilliant part though. The brilliant part is that while I was stumbling around I was thinking about food. I don't know why I think about food all the time but I do. It's not like I was ever starved as a child. I've never had to go hungry...in fact, I don't think I've ever been hungry. Probably because I eat all the time. In any case, I was thinking about what my favorite dinner would be and I decided it would be rib eye. Then I decided my all time favorite food would be ice cream...mint chocolate to be specific...not to be confused with mint chocolate chip which is entirely different. No, mint chocolate is like marble fudge only instead of vanilla ice cream the ice cream is mint with fudge ripples throughout. It's a fabulous flavor from my childhood that nobody makes anymore. Then the flash of brilliance...

I was thinking about my favorite adult beverage which doesn't have a name, it's just vodka with pineapple and grapefruit juice. Cocktail waitresses and bartenders have told me on numerous occasions that it's a Greyhound and brought me vodka/grapefruit sans pineapple. I've sent it back many times. One cute little waitress told me it was a Sea Breeze and brought me vodka/cranberry. So now when they ask me I just always say "I'd like vodka with pineapple/grapefruit juice". Oh, and I always say "please". Because I've been trained since birth that it's always important to be polite.

Standing at the door, I thought vodka with pineapple/grapefruit is the perfect drink, not too sweet, not too sour...it's just right...kinda like Baby Bear's bed...and it hit me...the flash of brilliance...it's a Goldilocks! Holy Shitsky how fucking wonderful is that?

All this time, the drink with no name...and now it has a name. Every time I go to a bar, I'm going to ask for a Goldilocks and when the cocktail waitress or waiter asks me what it is I'll tell them"It's vodka with half pineapple half grapefruit juice".

Okay, admittedly it's not "brilliance" on the scale of say, Jonas Salk, or Einstein, or Stephen Hawking. But in my pea brain, I'm a fucking genius for thinking this up...it's The Stoopidist Thing.

P.S.  I'm not entirely sure that someone hasn't already usurped this fabulous name for some other adult beverage. I head to Google now...let the search begin.

P.S.S. If you ever go to a bar be sure to ask for a "Goldilocks" and  when they ask what it is, tell them it's vodka with half pineapple and half grapefruit juice...in a chimney with ice. (I added the last part about the glass because that's the way I like it.)