Sunday, October 7, 2012

Me & My Husband Day

The Husband has spent the last several days getting ready to go on his annual "hunting" trip.  I hesitate to call it a hunting trip because he never actually brings home any game.  Well, he did once, but that was a long time ago and since then, nada, zip, zero.  But the hunting trip is the only time he actually relaxes, so I'm happy to see him go.  It's the getting ready part I have a problem with.  I suppose it's not really a problem but it would be if I had to be personally involved.  As it stands, I pretty much just observe his comings and goings during the planning/prep stage of his annual jaunt. The Husband runs back and forth to town several times a day for important things he forgot the last time he went.

Occasionally I'm pressed into service for some chore that requires more than one person.  This is a rare occurrence because The Husband hates to ask me to help him do anything.  Why?  Because I tend to offer helpful suggestions as to how he might do something faster, easier, or better. Since I don't have a penis, my suggestions are never taken seriously.  I've learned to accept this and truth be told, it gets me out of a lot of stuff I'd rather not have to do.

We had to hang new blinds in the bedroom and put up a new outside light before The Husband left for his adventure.  The blind job was first and most important since the ones currently hanging were ancient and had broken spots all over.  Totally white trash...but if the shoe fits...

Since I'd hung blinds before, I knew you didn't have to be a rocket scientist.  I ordered the kind that fit inside the window casing to make it even easier. You just butt up the bracket on each corner, attached it, insert the blind, and you're done.  Easy peasy.  I took the old ones down, threw them away, and laid out the new ones.  The small blind was unpackaged and all the parts needed were opened.  I'd glanced at the directions and they had great pictures...I'm a visual learner...if I can look at something and see how it works or visualize it in my head, I'm good to go.  Not so with The Husband. I don't think he's a visual learner.  After all these years, I'm still not really sure what kind of a learner he is.  He may have reached his maximum learning capacity...for my sake, I hope not.

Into the house comes The Husband, armed with his cordless drill, level, and a step ladder.  Man Stuff. He sees the long blinds on the bed still wrapped, completely ignoring the smaller unwrapped blinds and tells me "You need to get these unwrapped" I hadn't done my job...jeez, I was just trying to make it less confusing for the old guy by having one window laid out ready to time I'm going to unwrap everything and have it in a big pile and let him sort it all out...I'm very mature that way.

I point to the small unwrapped blinds and hardware and calmly reply "This is everything we need for this window".

Having been through this before and knowing that there's metal around the inside of the window casing I add "You'll probably need a drill bit to start holes for the new brackets".

"No I won't" he says as he unscrews the old brackets.

I hand him the new bracket and the first thing he says is..."How does this work?"

Instead of being snarky and saying "Well you have the penis, don't you know?"  I say "You just butt the bracket into the corner with the opening facing doesn't matter which one you use, they're interchangeable."

He takes the bracket and one of the screws and tries to attach it...but it won't screw in.  Down the ladder he comes and heads toward the door...and I can't help myself..."Where are you going?"

"I need to get a drill bit" he mumbles heading for the tool shed "I thought it was a self tapping screw but it's not."  I'm sure he added this last bit of information to let me know that he could have been right..if the stoopid blind company had given him proper screws...I'm also sure he hated having to get something to start the hole after me suggesting it to begin with.  I have to smile to myself.  Will  there ever come a time when he'll listen to me?  At this point, I don't think so...but I continue to hope.

After blind hanging we went to Home Depot to get a new outside light for the back door.  The Husband broke a light bulb inside the light and couldn't get the metal part out.  When we look at the light selection, he points to the ugliest light they make and says "That's the light I'm getting".

The light in question is painted white with a round globe that has to be removed in order to change the light bulb.  "I don't want that one, it's ugly" and I point out "and you have to take the globe off to change the light bulb".

"I'm leaving the bottom off" he proudly he's just invented electricity.  "Then I can just unscrew the light bulb".

"Why not just get one with an open bottom?"  I ask...thinking it wouldn't look so white trash if we had a complete light instead of just a bare bulb hanging outside our door.

"No" he snapped "this is the third light I've had to replace because the bulbs break off inside and they were all open from the bottom."  He's really pissed off about this whole light thing.  I'm kinda stunned because I had no idea we'd had three different lights...guess I should pay more attention.  I don't have any problem changing the bulbs...I just have to get a chair to reach them so it's a pain in the ass.

Since I don't really care what kind of light we get and since he obviously does, I keep my trap shut...until we get in the car.   I'm driving, as usual, and when we turn out of the parking lot I can't help but say "If you've had to replace three lights because you break the bulbs off doesn't that tell you something?"  The inference being if he'd didn't squeeze the fragile glass bulb in a vice like grip it wouldn't break.  I have to also add "I've never broken a bulb off in the light".

"That's because you never change them" says The Husband "you always have me do it".  Which is true...when he's home.  But he works out of town...a lot.

"Who do you thing does everything when you're gone?  Elves?"  is my standard reply...

The Husband, bless his heart, is unable to come up with a witty retort so that's apparently the end of this's the stoopidist thing.