Saturday, September 22, 2012

The Bunco Squad

If you want to see a group of seemingly normal women turn into a bunch of screaming meemies, (What is a meemie, anyway?  I'm not sure that's really a word, even though people say it all the time.) give them some dice, a little bit of adult beverages, good snackage, and watch the fireworks begin...in other words, Bunco.

I think we were on our way back from a trip to Costco when the original idea for Bunco came up.  OF (Old Friend of undesirable snackage fame) and I regularly purchase staples like hunks of smoked Gouda, giant bags of M&M's and dry roasted Macadamia nuts for me (the Mauna Loa ones in the blue can...not the purple bag of "Gourmet" macadamia nuts...yuck)...vats of hummus, goat cheese and quinoa salad for OF (You can see why her snackage is undesirable...at least to me...), and dried bull penises or penes for the dogs sold under the unoffensive name... "Gourmet Premium Bull Sticks".   Really, I mean, who would buy it if the package said "Dried Penises"?  Not me, that's for sure.  Truth be told, if I'd known what it was when I first bought it, I would've passed.  Unfortunately, my little psycho dog, Briley, loves her some dried bull penis...and let me tell you, dried bull penis is 'spensive...not to mention, stanky...very stanky.   So don't be stoopid like me and let your dog get hooked on them.   I bet you never really knew what the plural of penis was, did you?  Me neither, so I looked it up.  You can use either "penises" or "penes" (pronounced pee-neez).  See it's true...you really do learn something new every day.

OF likes to sample all the stuff at the ends of the aisles at Costco.  Once in a while I'll sample.  On my way to get dried penises, one of the demonstrators offering samples finagled me into trying a little Dixie cup of coconut water.  She was good, I'll give her that, because it looked kinda like gray water...not something one would ordinarily drink.

"Oh it's filled with vitamins and anti oxidants, and it's really good for your skin" the demonstrator gushed.  "You can mix it with juice or just drink it plain" she prattled on as I grabbed the mouthwash sized paper cup and swigged away.

I bravely fought the gag reflex...thank God I didn't down it in one gulp... but I know I sounded just like my mother, God rest her soul, and probably looked like her too when my face uncontrollably grimaced and I said "Uuulck...that's terrible".  (Uuulck isn't really a word, it's more of a sound made at the back of your throat when something is really, really gross...I'm sure everyone has their own personal version.)

I could tell the demonstrator wanted to laugh but instead she said sort of sheepishly "Most people mix it with juice."

...there was no juice sitting on her little cart to use as a mixer...just a casual observation...

OF, who fortunately for me missed my little near vomiting episode, wandered up so I said "Try this coconut water...it's suppose to be really good for you".

I don't know if I'm just an asshole or if misery really does love company, probably a little of both, but I was instantly rewarded by her look of utter disgust as she downed the entire cup of crappy coconut water in one swig.  I laughed out loud at the look on her face...even the demonstrator couldn't help but laugh and I don't think they're supposed to do that, are they?  We watched a couple of other people, including another demonstrator, try the horrible free sample and everyone had the same reaction.  I could have stood there all day watching the reaction on peoples faces.  If I'd been smart and less of a Luddite, I'd have used my fancy new iPhone and recorded people's reaction to the fabulous product they so eagerly sampled.  Would've made a great You Tube clip.

Back to the Bunco idea.  I'd never played but it seemed like a good idea when I mentioned it to OF. If nothing else it seemed like a good reason to eat, drink and be merry...like we need a reason.

"I don't know how to play" OF said when I broached the Bunco idea.

"Neither do I" I said.  "But it can't be that hard."

We both looked up the Bunco rules on the Internet and as it turns out, the game IS basically a reason to eat, drink and be merry.  On another little side note here, what did we do before the Internet?  Is there anything you can't find on the Internet?  I don't think so.

Both of us bugged people we knew to come and we almost ended up with a full group of twelve for the first game...apparently we don't have as many friends as we thought we did.  Stuffed animals were able to fill in quite nicely where vacancies occurred confirming my original thought that brains were not necessary to play the game of Bunco.

By the third game last weekend, the cast of characters was established...at least in my mind.

OF... who needs no introduction.

The Sister Wives...LS and BS...not to be confused with the polygamous gang from the reality TV show of the same name...they're just plain old lesbians, not polygamous religious folk.  LS is a shrink and as it turns out, the life of the party.  BS is a teacher and OF's sister.  The managed to get hitched during the brief moments when it was legal in CA.

Scari...one of the Old Chix, who's old like me...actually she's quite a bit older...almost six months.  I like to say that...she's quite a bit older.  Like me, she's an orphan...unlike me, she's a widow.  Scari lives with and for a clowder of cats, some feral, some tame and she's just a little bit shy of being the "Crazy Cat Lady".  I figure in a few years, she'll have this claim to fame as well.  Contrary to what you'd imagine, in spite of all her feline friends, her house doesn't smell like cat pee.  Someone once described us as the "Evil Twins" when we worked together...we might be just a little bit evil but we're fun...and she's quite a bit older so we really couldn't be twins, now could we???

Smellie...short for Smellie Noellie...Smellie works with me, has giant boobs and is a work out junkie currently in training for a Tough Mudder race.  We're getting ready to take a little work related jaunt to South Dakota...Smellie arranged the flights...she scheduled us on a flight at 0530 hrs...as in 5:30 in the fucking morning.  This means that I have to get up at 2:00 a.m. to be at her house by 3:00 a.m. so we can be at the airport by 4:30 a.m....  Note to self...don't allow Smellie to make future flight plans. Fortunately she has a good sense of humor and is the only human I feel comfortable being a passenger in a car with.

Natasha...she works with OF and is an immigrant from some Slavic country.  Sometimes I call her The Ruskie.  I think she was a scientist back in the homeland...now she checks septic tanks (or something like that).  Natasha tries all sorts of secret dice rolls which involve shaking the dice for an inordinate amount of time.  Since you want to get as many rolls as possible in each round this proves that despite her superior intellect, she lacks common sense...a trait that seems lacking in a good many super smart people...just my opinion.  I don't know her but she seems okay.

The Mouse...truth be told, I don't know what this girl's name is.  I just call her The Mouse (not to her face, of course) because she seems really timid and hardly ever says a word.  She works with OF and does some kind of inspections for the Public Health department.  The Mouse livens up a bit after consuming a couple of adult beverages.

Andie...who also works with OF.  Single mom and the only one of us who actually knew the rules of the game.  Andie just got a part Mastiff puppy and when OF puppy sat for her, the little critter got her first taste of horse shit...literally.  The next week she ended up at the vet from some parasite she picked up...allegedly from eating said horse shit.  OF probably won't be asked to puppy sit anymore.

SIL #1...My sister in law...married to Gadget Man, both retired and living in a nearby community composed mostly of blueheads...code for old people.  SIL1 loves to plan get togethers and annoys her brother, The Husband, to no end because she plans family gatherings right in the middle of the day.  I'm sure it never occurs to The Husband that some people actually like family gatherings and attend because they enjoy the company... not just out of a sense of familial obligation.  SIL1 has a wicked sense of humor.

PD...this is a friend of SIL1 who lives in the bluehead community too.  I call her PD because she sounds like Paula Deen.  PD is a gen-ewe-wine southern belle...or she was at one time before she became an oldster like the rest of us.  She's all charm and drawl.

SIL #2...My other sister in law...married to The Husband's brother...SIL2 is always nice, I mean always.  You can't say anything bad about her because she's sooooooo nice.  Although she did play poker with us a couple of weeks ago and got b-o-m-b-e-d...I admit I was secretly happy to see that she's not perfect.

Betsy Gainey, BG.  OF and I both used to work with the now retired BG.  She's unpretentious, laughs allot, and is really lucky when it comes to rolling dice.

So there you have it, the cast of characters for the Bunco Squad.  The Princess from my office is supposed to play, but so far has been a no show.  She apparently thinks kids and a family are more important than hanging out with a bunch of drunk ol' wimmen.  I'm sure there's gonna be a ton of blog fodder in the whole Bunco thing.  If nothing else it's a good reason to eat, drink, and be merry...like we need one...oh wait, I said that before...it's the stoopidist thing.