The women in my office decided we should start taking a break during the day and go for a walk. Hard to believe I would agree to this but I did. So far since the first of the year we’ve walked exactly one time...yesterday. The Princess and I usually find a reason not to walk...it’s too cold...we don’t have the right shoes...we just ate and we’re too full...we’re too busy (this is a totally ridiculous reason and we all know it...we work for the government...need I say more?)..
Yesterday though, one of the newest additions to our office, I’ll call her Curly because she has long curly hair, was determined that we would walk. Curly refused to listen to any excuses and was actually acting kinda like a drill sergeant to get us motivated. See she, unlike The Princess and I, is actually watching what she eats and is actively trying to loose weight. The Princess and I like to talk about it but when it comes to actually doing it, we can find a million excuses why we shouldn’t start until the next day...usually it’s because we want a cheeseburger and fries. The Princess and I do split the cheeseburger and fries now so I guess in our own pathetically small way that’s our attempt at healthier eating habits. Not so for Curly...she munches on carrot sticks, drinks spinach laden smoothies (which she forced me to taste...and I have to admit...tasted good), avoids sugar, and rarely participates in our fat laden lunch feasts. It should be noted here that Curly is something of a Cougar with a ten years younger hubby that she’s trying to remain relatively svelte for. Not so for me & The Princess.
So off we all go on our daily walk...first one of the year...me, Curly, The Princess, and Wendy. Wendy’s a cute little Mexican girl who works in our office part time while going to school full time...talk about a work ethic...this girl works circles around the rest of us. Unlike Curly, Wendy eats burgers with us...and humors the oldsters in the office by walking with us. Actually I’m the only oldster of the bunch for this session...but compared to Wendy all of us are oldsters.
It was really cold outside when we left the building. I had on a really heavy jacket, ear bags (soooo much better than ear muffs), and looked kinda like that kid whose mom bundled him up like the Michelin Man in “The Christmas Story”. Our route was through a residential area and the first part was all down hill...piece of cake...not too tough, except my thighs were rubbing together and I was afraid the friction was going to wear a hole in my pants...or worse, start a fire...what if my pants burst into flames??? How would you even explain something like that??? And how embarrassing would it be to have people know that you’re so fat that the friction of having your thighs rubbing together made your pants catch on fire? I wonder if that could really happen? If you were so fat that your thighs rubbed together constantly, and you had on a synthetic material that melted could your pants actually melt onto your flesh? I think some fabrics melt under extreme heat, but there’s probably not enough heat generated by thigh friction to melt fabric to the point that it would burn the skin...otherwise our emergency rooms would be filled with female burn victims...with thighburns. Men have sideburns, women have thighburns. I think about this kind of stoopid shit all the time.
Once we hit the bottom of the hill, the trouble began. Now we’re forced to walk uphill. I guess we could’ve called a cab at this point, but it kinda seemed like defeating the purpose of the walk. This is probably why I liked downhill skiing instead of cross country. Easy peasy going down and then you ride the lift back to the top. All fun and no work...that’s the way I like it (Uh huh, uh huh...get it??? KC & The Sunshine band????)
We all walked really fast downhill but I noticed that once we started uphill, none of us were as perky...or as chatty...it’s way harder to gab when you’re gasping for breath. I could feel myself starting to sweat under the mammoth jacket I so stoopidly wore so I unsnapped the front to let some cool air in.
How does a person sweat when it’s so cold outside? Does sweat freeze? If you got really hot working outside in cold weather could the sweat freeze on your body? Actually it would probably be absorbed by whatever clothes you were wearing, but would the clothes freeze? If your clothes freeze wouldn’t you die from hypothermia? I guess if you’re clothes got wet enough to freeze at least your pants couldn’t catch on fire from the friction of your thighs rubbing together...but then if the heat from your thighs rubbing together caused thawing would the ice melt leaving you looking like you peed your pants?
I’ve decided until all these questions are answered to my liking that I will not succumb to Curly’s browbeating and allow myself to be placed in these life and death circumstances. I think I should warn The Princess & Wendy too. They probably never thought they’d be taking such precarious risks with their lives just by going for a walk either. Whew...good thing I thought about it. I may have just saved our lives...it's the stoopidist thing.