Sunday, January 22, 2012

Weekend

Went to Costco & WalMart this weekend.   Thank God WalMart doesn't give free samples.  It's bad enough at Costco to wade through the hoards of people at each table offering a free sample of some sort.  They actually stand around the little tables at the end of each isle four or five deep to get a thimble full of the latest energy drink or a cupcake paper containing two air popped chips.  (They should actually plan their snackage sampling a little better if you ask me...eat the chips first, then go to the drinks...just sayin'.)

Nobody seems to care that they're blocking isles with their over sized shopping carts, as long as they get their free shit.  I'm pretty sure people actually plan trips to Costco solely for the free snackage.  I can't prove this yet...but I'm workin' on it.  I have to admit to sampling some of the things they're giving away.  But not many...and I make sure I'm not being a " Fucking Aisle Blocker"(hereafter referred to as FAB's) when I do it.  Doesn't it seem rude to stand there with your hand out, waiting for your free stuff while people who might actually be in a hurry are waiting for the slightest space to weave their cart through the masses?  Heaven forbid you should say "excuse me" with the hope that someone drooling over organic brown rice will step aside & let you pass.  Talk about dirty looks!!!   Jeez...they look at you like you just asked them to kill their firstborn child...

Okay, does this sound familiar, or is it just me???  Have you ever gone to Costco with a friend who samples the snackage, looks at you and says "ewww, this tastes like shit...try it..."  WTF...why would I want to try something that tastes like shit?  Are they secretly trying to tell me to eat shit?  Or they smell something and say "ugggg...this stinks...smell it"...Really?  You just said it stinks...why are you doing this to me?  Sometimes I think they do it just to see if they can get me to eat or smell something disgusting.  Sadly, it usually works.  Embarrassingly enough, I'm usually so stoopid that I fall for this...often.  One of the Old Chix does this to me on a regular basis.

The FAB's at Walmart are different than the FAB's at Costco.  There's usually a homeless person at the Walmart parking lot entry/exit with a cardboard sign asking for "help". A homeless person who always seems to have a cell phone. We just automatically call them homeless now, don't we???  How do we know they're really "homeless"?  And how come nobody ever calls them "hobos" or "beggars" anymore???  Why is "homeless" more politically correct than "hobo"?  Who makes these rules?  Walmart is a FAB's free for all and you never know what kind of person you're going to run into.  I think many of them are armed...call me crazy (could be) or paranoid (also could be), but some of the Walmartians look downright scary.

Every time I go to Walmart, I'm afraid someone is going to take my picture and I'm going to show up as one of the "People of Walmart"....or "Walmartians".  Emails go around showing people in all kinds of weird clothing.  I think some of them must be dressed up for Halloween or some kind of costume party.  Nobody would intentionally go out looking like that, would they?  I also think whoever takes these pictures must have a fetish for fat people but I can't tell whether they're repulsed or secretly enthralled and trying to hide it because most of the Walmartians in the snapshots are the large and lovely variety.  I try to go to Walmart really early in the morning when there's hardly anyone there. Most of the freak show types are still home climbing into bed after partying all night and so far, it's been relatively safe.

One day I mentioned to Curly that I was afraid of ending up in a "People of Walmart" photo montage...she said "you mean in the background?"...until then, that had never occurred to me...now I have yet another thing to worry about...it's the stoopidist thing.