Sunday, January 9, 2011


I saw Dennis Miller on TV the other day and he had a little white droplet of spit on his lip. I've decided to call them spitletts. Spitletts come in all shapes and sizes from the miniscule droplet to the long dangling shiny string of drool. I'm sure Dennis didn't know about the spitlett on his lip or he surely would have wiped his mouth. He was on TV after all.

Spitletts are yet one more thing I constantly worry about (along with eye boogers, nose boogers, and food being stuck between my teeth). I am slightly paranoid, I admit, and constantly wipe the corners of my mouth with my fingertips for fear of looking in the mirror and seeing spitlett crusties stuck there and wondering how many people I've talked to who saw them and were too polite to tell me.

One of the girls in my office (anyone under 40 is a "girl") I call the Princess is even more paranoid than I am. I can look at her and wipe the corners of my mouth and she automatically wipes the corners of her mouth. It's become kind of a game. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know but even if she did, I don't think she could help it...because you never know when there really might be something there.

I think I would want someone to tell me if I had spitlett crusties in the corner of my mouth, but for the life of me, I cannot think of a polite way to tell someone they have crud stuck in the corner of their mouth. How do you tell someone that??? I mean it's not like you can reach up and wipe it yourself....yuck. I remember my mother licking tissue and then wiping my mouth with it...or my whole was long, long ago and I really don't see this as a viable option when confronting another person about spitlett crusties. Although I would pay someone to do it just to see the reaction of the spitlett crusties person to a stranger who tried to wipe their mouth with a saliva dampened tissue. (Yes, this is the kind of weird shit I think of.)

It's kind of like gleeking. For those not in the know, this is when you accidentally shoot a droplet of spit from your mouth while talking. I didn't know there was actually a name for this until the Princess told me...even though I manage to do it on a regular basis. I never know if I should acknowledge it when someone gleeks. Usually, I can't help it...I start laughing. And if someone else sees it with me and the offending gleeker doesn't acknowledge, then I end up with the Church Giggles and can't look at the other gleek seer without going into hysterics. I'm so mature. When I gleek, I invariably show my smoothness by screeching "OMG, I just spit on you...did you see that???". I think I am quite possibly the most un-smooth person on the planet...the stoopidist thing.

P.S. If you ever see me with spitlett crusties in the corner of my mouth, please tell me.