Thursday, May 31, 2012

Strawberry

Will somebody please help the Strawberry Patch people with their signage?   I'm not just referring to the uneven hand painted lettering.  It's the spelling...

Every year around strawberry time, I secretly hope the Strawberry Patch people will by some miracle get new signs.  I know they have kids in school who must know how to spell...so why all the horribly misspelled signs?

You know the ones I'm talking about...Farm Fresh Strawberry For Sale...really...only one?  Who wants just one strawberry?  It's Strawberries...plural...as in more than one...

We Are Close.  I know you're close...if you were far away, I wouldn't stop at your strawberry patch stand.   (That's probably not true...I might drive many miles to get fresh strawberries...please note I said strawberries...plural...not just one.)  Attention all Strawberry Patch people...Closed is the word you want here.  Unless it was meant to be Close...as in close the door or We Close At Six.  That would work...in a different sentence.  Come on Strawberry Patch Kids...fix the signs.

It's easier to translate a live performance of Strawberry Patch lingo than it is to read their signs.  How much you want...thees wan good...you take thees wan...we ahh crows...I get this...accents are understandable and even when they're not, the accompanying smiles and nodding by all parties make it seem like everyone understands each other.  Most of the time I walk away wondering what I've been smiling and nodding about.  They probably told me I'm a fat old bitch who's not fit to eat their strawberries (plural) and I smiled and nodded like I knew what they were saying while they were looking at each other and laughing their asses off.

While we're on the subject of Strawberry Patch people...don't act like you've never heard the rumors of how the strawberries are "really" fertilized...just like back in the old country, right?  OF (Old Friend of undesirable snackage fame) once told me that the Strawberry Patch people are pretty closely monitored by the health department...but she tells me rotten food is still good to eat too...  Because she works at a health department with the food inspectors OF knows how long food can be rotten and still be safely consumed.   Did I mention that OF's job is inspecting septic tanks???  Now if she were to tell me exactly how much "fertilizer" from the old country could safely be put on strawberry plants leaving them fit for human consumption...that I might believe...since it's truly her area of expertise.

I really don't believe the vicious rumor about how the plants are fertilized.  If I did, I wouldn't start chowing down on them right out of the basket on the way home...like a starving Armenian, would I? Does anyone remember your parents telling you about all the starving Armenians when you were a kid?  I always had to clean my plate because of the starving Armenians...I didn't even know what an Armenian was.  No, if I believed the vicious rumors I'd wait until they were properly washed...like you're supposed to, right?  But nearly every time I buy strawberries (plural) I start eating while I'm driving, pitching the little green tops out the window.  So I must not believe it, right?  It's not littering when it's plant matter your chucking out the window, is it? I tell myself I'm feeding the birds and bugs.

One of the reasons I continue to stop at the Strawberry Patch stand is the owners work their asses off. Every day, seven days a week, they're bent over in the hot sun taking care of their gardens.  I am completely humbled by their work ethic. I don't know how they do it.  They earn every penny they make.

Maybe I should just paint a sign with correct spelling and grammar and in the middle of the night, switch the signs at my favorite Strawberry Patch.  But if I did that, other patch patrons might think the original Strawberry Patch People were gone and that cheap impostors had taken over and stop patronizing their little stand.  Then how would I feel???  Guilty... because I pretty much feel guilty about everything in the world.  The Strawberry Patch People would lose business because of me and my need for correct signage when all they want is to sell their strawberries...note I said strawberries...because nobody can eat just one.

It's the stoopidist thing...