Tuesday, May 29, 2012

They're Everywhere

OF (Old Friend of undesirable snackage fame) has a sister who's a lesbian...with a wife...they were among the fortunate few who managed to tie the knot during the brief time it was legal for same sexers to marry.  I call them the Sister Wives...not to be confused with the polygamous gang on the reality TV show of the same name.  It just seems to fit...

BS & LS, Big Sis & Little Sis...shortened to eliminate keystrokes, really are big & little.  BS is about 6'15" and her wife is about 4' 2.  I think of LS as the Mighty Morphin.  I don't know why the Mighty Morphin thing pops into my head every time I think about LS.  I know there's a cartoon about Mighty Morphins but I've never actually seen one so they could be the complete opposite of what I picture in my mind...what I picture is sort of a little whirling dervish...maybe the Tasmanian Devil would be a better fit for LS...at least I know what that looks like.  The weirdest part is I don't even like cartoons, but cartoon characters pop into my head all the time.  Every time I see a group of old people, which would be my friends and I, I see a Far Side cartoon in living color.  OF thinks we're not old...she's wrong.

I could probably ask LS why cartoon characters pop into my head...she's a shrink...but I'm always secretly worried that she's analyzing everything I say...and if she's not, I don't want to encourage it. The first time I met LS she was sitting across from me on the couch and said these exact words to me..."I don't chit chat"...I didn't know how to respond...I can't even remember what I said...probably something brilliant like "oh".   Being a chit chatter, I didn't know if I should say "nice meeting you" and leave or just stare silently at her.  But if I stared silently, being a shrink, she might start asking me questions about why I was staring silently at her and try to analyze that.  If I deliberately tried not to look at her, she might want to know why I was avoiding looking at her and try to analyze that...either way, I lose.  I don't really need a shrink to tell me why I'm a chit chatter...I already know...I'm shallow...and perfectly content to remain shallow.  I'm much happier making fun of myself and others than trying to be Serious Sam all the time...especially with people I don't know.  It seems kinda rude and creeps me out when complete strangers ask me personal questions.  Why do they, "they" being strangers, want to know personal things about me? Ewwww...

BS is the complete opposite of LS...she's easy going, laughs at stoopid shit, and...chit chats...thank God! They're like night & day.   Even in the world of Lesbos, opposites attract...who knew?  BS calls the world of Lesbos "the church"...she'll look at someone and say "she's a church member".  I went to a horse clinic with OF & BS and there was a woman sitting next to us with a dog.  OF looked at me and said "she belongs to the church"

Being something of a doubting Thomas, I said "no she's not...how do you know"?

"You can just tell"  BS said, adding "look at her hair, it looks like she went to a barber shop".

With that comment OF said "you can't really tell like that when they're horse people." Looking down at the frayed hem on my jeans and filthy boots I  was inclined to agree with OF.

Still BS insisted this woman belonged to her "church".  So then I find myself looking at women with crappy haircuts and wondering if they're all lesbians.  They couldn't all be lesbians just because they have a crappy haircut, could they?  Have I been surrounded by lesbians all my life and just never knew it?  Are they everywhere?  What about all those years of being taught not to judge a book by its cover?  Should I have just assumed that all women with short hair that looks like they chopped it off themselves, dressed in work clothes and boots belong to the "church"?  Or that all men with girly man voices and flitty hands who dress immaculately are gay?  Okay...if I'm being honest, I may have assumed it about the men...but probably not about the women.

On a side note, BS may be on to something about the hair...every time I get my hair cut really short, one of the Old Chix always says to me "I don't know why you do that...it just makes you look like an old lesbian."  I don't know why I like her.

I wanted to ask the woman with the dog if she was a lesbian just to see if BS was right.  But really, how do you walk up to a stranger and ask something like that?  Guess I'll never know about barber shop chop lady.

OF said she's never sure how she should introduce LS to people...should she call her BS's partner...wife...what?  I'd probably wonder too.  What's the right thing to say?  Because in these politically correct days of easily offended masses it's hard to find something that won't offend someone.  I'm now worried that I'll slip up and call The Husband's car the Homobile in front of BS & LS.  I really like them both and wouldn't want to offend either one of them.  Would they even be offended?  I don't think BS would.  I think she'd think it was funny...not so sure about the Mighty Morphin though...she might want to analyze why I felt the need to name the car in a way that may be derogatory to certain persons.  Oh God, please don't let me slip and mention the Homobile around the lesbians.  Like Lucy, I'll have some 'splainin' to do.  (Remember Ricky & Lucy???...I Love Lucy???...get it???)  I hate having to be careful about what I say.  Maybe that's why I don't like being around strangers.  Yet another thing for me to worry about LS analyzing....it's the stoopidist thing.

P.S.
I think OF should just introduce LS as her sister in law...problemo solved.

P.S.S.  Note to self...must remember to eliminate the term "lesbos" from vocabulary when lesbians are present.