Tuesday, March 29, 2016

I Guess I'm Just A Sexist...Who Knew???

The other day I was driving to a neighboring town with The Scari One, of Old Chix fame. We had major stuff to buy at Costco. I always have major stuff to buy at Costco. Usually dry roasted Macadamia nuts and apple strudel pastries. Oh, and roasted chicken. Costco really does have the best deal on roasted chicken. I'm sure there're people who would poo-poo this idea. They'd say that THEY stuff THEIR chicken cavity with citrus, onions, and herbs, then rub the outside with clarified butter infused with roasted garlic. And you MUST roast the bird upside down for 10 minutes at inferno temperatures, then, at the exact second, because timing is critical, turn the oven down to its final magical temperature and the bird over to its final position leaving it to finish cooking for the precise amount of time...or some such fucking nonsense. You can't buy a chicken, cook it yourself, and have it turn out as good as Costco does...and that's the simple truth.

But that doesn't make me a sexist...

We were driving along fat, dumb, and happy when we passed three Honda convertibles driving in a row...out for a Sunday drive. First of all, I didn't even know Honda made sporty little convertibles, did you? Secondly, they were all driven by "older" men. I don't know how "old", but they all had gray hair blowing in the breeze of their 30 mph mach-less road trip. They were cool dudes out for a drive in their "sports" cars. I'm sure they all had buttons open on their shirts revealing the mandatory gold chains adorning their old gray chest hair. It's pretty much an "old guy" stereotype...but they're usually driving a Porsche or Corvette, or some other equally expensive "trying to recapture my youth" ride.I didn't know there was a "cool car club" for Honda convertible drivers...(I don't really get the whole "car club" thing...cool or otherwise. Guess I'm just not the "club" type.)

I don't think this when I see an "older" woman driving a sporty car...convertible or otherwise. I do wonder how they keep their hair from getting all fucked up when they're driving a convertible though. Add a little wind to my hair and I instantly become "Rat Woman". It's actually pretty impressive that they get where they're going and remain unscathed by the breeze.

It never occurred to me that stereotyping only the old guys was sexist...but it is. So let's remedy that right now. Maybe old women don't try to recapture their youth by driving "cool" cars, but they, okay, we...do it in other ways...such as...

They shop at Forever 21...when they're a good 30-40 lbs over the largest size available thinking nobody will notice the lumps and bulges popping out of the compression undergarments they've squeezed into from top to bottom.

They wear things from their teenage daughter's closet. Just because it fits doesn't mean it looks good.

They wear low cut tops emphasizing what was once a beautiful bust line has now become a sea of crepey cleavage...complete with age related discoloration. Hint here...old wrinkled boobage is best kept under cover.

They wear too short shorts...nobody wants to look at cellulite ridden thighs and spider/varicose veins. It's why God made Capri's.

They wear sleeveless tops when their upper arms have turned to flab...there's no such thing as flabulicious. If there is, it's on some creepy pervert website catering to fat fetish folks.

They wear tight fitting exercise garb to be stylish...completely unaware that FUPA and cankles have become less stylish since the days of Michelangelo.

I feel much better now that I've relieved myself of the burden of being a sexist bitch and can now be equally insulting to both sexes. We all just need to quit tryin' to be something that we're not.

I'm off now on my way to Costco with The Scari One. Just as soon as I find a pair of fashionable yoga pants that cover my cankle length Spanx and smear some Crepe Erase all over my exposed bosom...it's The Stoopidist Thing.

P.S. In case you don't know what FUPA is, it's fat upper pussy area...I didn't know what it was either.