Saturday, May 30, 2015

Scari & The Sisty Uglers Sail the Seven Seas...

In an effort to be truthful, we're really only sailing one sea.  But it sounds better to say Seven Seas than One Sea.  One Sea just doesn't have the same sound of adventure to it.  Scari & The Sisty Uglers Sail the One Sea...actually, it would have to be Scari & The Sisty Uglers Sail One Sea because if I leave the "the" in it makes it sound like there's only one sea available. Which, of course, is totally wrong.  I don't know how many seas there are in the world but I know there's way more than one.

The instigator of this vacation was my SIL Di...who, after getting everyone to agree to go, has decided she can't go because her daughter, Jackie, is having a baby two weeks after we were supposed to return. Yes, I said AFTER we were supposed to be back home.  So the trip that she planned so she could spend time with her brother, she's not going on.  But her brother's still going...along with his wife. Neither of whom I've met.

Me:  "Your brother's still going?"

Di:  "Yeah, they're still going.  But I know I wouldn't have a good time.  I'd be worrying about Jackie the whole time."

Me:  "I don't know your brother."

Di:  "You'll get to know him.  You'll be having dinner together every night. You'll like him."

Me...in my head:  "WTF???  I'm not going to have dinner with your brother every night.  I've never met the guy.  What if he has no sense of humor?  What if he's politically correct? How are he and his politically correct wife going to feel when the Old Chix start dropping "F" bombs at the dinner table, huh?"

Me...to Di:  "Oh."  I'm so fucking brave I can't stand myself.  Why can't I just say what I mean?  Why am I such a wimp?

So it ends up being three Old Chix, Scari, Me, and Lois, who Scari likes to call Low Ass and I like to call Anal Spice...along with my favorite SIL, Kath.  Kath & I are going to share a room...Scari & Lois are sharing another.  The correct term is "cabin", I know, but a "cabin" seems like it should be sitting in a picturesque setting at the end of a mountain road surrounded by trees with a front porch and a chimney with smoke curling out of it.

This is us below, in all our travelocity, fabulousity glory from left to right, Kath, me, Scari, and Lois.  Note how cleverly disguised we are in Groucho Glasses to protect our true identity.  FYI, this is my first ever selfie. Only it wasn't really a selfie because I didn't take it...Kath did.  So I guess technically it was my first participation in a selfie.  Ain't we purty???   Please note that Lois, AKA/Low Ass, AKA/Anal Spice, managed to lose the eyebrow off her glasses immediately after putting them on. Geesh, I entrust her with a fabulous pair of identity concealing eyewear and she manages to ruin them in an instant.




We got together so Kath could meet Lois and to shop for carry on travel bags. None of us bought a carry on bag. No, we spent our time looking at clothes we didn't need...buying clothes we didn't need, and eating cheeseburgers & fries we really, really didn't need. Except Kath...she's a thin mint who I'd like to force feed cheeseburgers to fatten her up to "regular" size like the rest of us. Sort of makes me sound bitter that she doesn't have a weight problem, doesn't it? Okay, maybe I am...I still like her but I don't think it's fair that she doesn't have to worry about her pants cutting off her circulation or catching on fire from the friction of her thighs rubbing together like the rest of us.

We don't leave until October, but Kath lives to plan.  (In her defense, she's really good at it.) As soon as we booked the cruise, she immediately got an app for her phone that translates English to Italian. We're going to France, Spain, and Greece too but I don't think she thought about those yet.  If she did, she hasn't mentioned it.  Maybe those will just be the countries where she "smiles and nods".  The Italians are the ones who will no doubt be entertained by the forthcoming butchery of their native tongue.

We have another lunch meeting later this month to meet our travel agent and try to decide what excursions we want to go on.  If it goes like our last get together involving non-purchases of travel on bags I'm guessin' it'll be a non-decision making excursion planning adventure.

On the plus side, I'm sure we'll eat some good ol' thigh friction inducing food to further enhance our physiques...all the while glaring enviously at the Kath's friction free thighs...it's the Stoopidist Thing.

P.S.  I Googled "how many seas are there in the world".  According to Wikipedia, there are 139.  I have no idea if that's right or not but I knew it was way more than "One Sea".

P.S.S.  When they met for the first time during the non-purchase of carry on bags, Lois AKA/Low Ass, AKA/Anal Spice, hated Kath because she had thin thighs.

P.P.S.S.  Again, in the interest of truthfulness,  I totally made up that line about Lois hating Kath. Lois has never met a stranger and likes EVERYONE she meets. She's really big on hugging too...which I hate but am forced, on occasion, to engage in so I don't seem like a big fucking asshole.

To be continued...