Sunday, April 13, 2014

Things We Talk About At Work

We don't have the typical work environment.  Meaning we aren't politically correct...or socially correct...or any other kind of correct that comes to mind.  It's not that we don't know how to behave correctly.  Sometimes we have to...but only when there's a stranger in our midst...who would undoubtedly be offended by our lack of correctness.  Also it's kind of a social services agency where our seeming lack of compassion for those less fortunate than us would be severely frowned upon by almost anyone who didn't know us.

Last week I was sitting and chatting with The Princess who shared this bit of information after eating mass quantities of black jelly beans...

Princess:  Not only do they make your tongue turn black, they make your poop kinda blackish green looking.

I didn't know this because I hate the black jelly beans and always give them to her. It never occurred to me to ask her to stick out her tongue and prove it.  If she proved that, I'd take her word for it on the poop thing.  Actually I'd take her word for it on the poop thing anyway.  It would be totally weird if I asked to see her poop just to prove it was made blackish green by black jelly beans.  Even though I may be stoopid, I'm not totally weird.

I do know from personal experience that eating jelly beans will give you terrible gas.  What would life be without personal tidbits of information like this? Why do cute little jelly beans cause copious amounts of gas in the intestinal tract?  How does that work?   OF (Old Friend of undesirable snackage fame) didn't believe me about this.  She thought I was making it up until I put out bowls of jelly beans at our last Bunco game.  The next day at Zumba class she came up to me and said "You were totally right about the jelly bean thing...I couldn't believe it."  Vindication can be sweet...

So anyway, back at the office, in walks Curly who's just returned from the multi stall bathroom in our building.  Picture a forty-something woman with a giant head of hair that's sort of a macabre mix of Shirley Temple meets Woodstock.  Curly would have made a great hippie if she'd been around during that era.  Alas...she was born a little too late.

Curly has way bigger balls than any of us when it comes to discussing personal things.  We all know way more about her husband than any of us should.  To the point where I'm kinda embarrassed to look him in the eye when I run into him. There are certain things you shouldn't have knowledge of about men you haven't been intimate with...

So anyway...Curly plops down in the nearest chair and kinda giggles as she relates her latest bathroom adventure...

Curly:  You know how when you fart and it starts coming out and then gets really high sounding at the end?  I just did that in the bathroom and started to giggle a little while I was sitting there.

Me:  Was there someone else in there?

Curly:  Oh yeah.  There was a lady in the next stall sitting there.

We all start laughing.  Me because if I was trying to sneak a poop or just had an accidental noisy fart escape in a crowded bathroom I wouldn't come back and brag about it.  In fact, I'd still be sitting there waiting for the bathroom to clear out so I could escape without being identified as the loud farter or sneak a pooper.

Since we're on the subject of bodily functions, I decide to ask...

Me:  Why do you raise one of your hips off the chair when you have to fart?

I know I'm not the only person who does this because everybody seemed to understand the question and acknowledged having done it.  If you think about it, it's not like you're gonna get shot into orbit if you fail to raise a hip so why do we do it?

Then we started questioning if it's possible to walk or run while you're peeing or pooping.  I've never known anyone to do this have you?  It seems like even little kids pause when they're filling a diaper doesn't it?  But then a lot of older women, especially ones who've given birth, pee a little bit if they move suddenly.  They even make hygiene products (pee pads) for these little lapses in bodily function control.  Are pee pads any different than sanitary napkins?

Maybe we should all pretend we're astronauts and just wear clothing that accommodates all bodily functions. You know if you stop and think about it might be way less traumatic if we never stopped wearing diapers at all.  If we all just walked around pooping in our pants our whole lives then we'd never reach that critical undignified moment when we get old, lose control of our bladders and bowels and have to start wearing diapers again.  I have to admit though, the thought of sitting in a pile of my own poop is way unappealing...but it doesn't seem to bother babies...okay, they might get a little fussy...but when you change the diaper they're fine.  Would it be the same for us?

What do people in really poor countries use for toilet paper?  And where do the contestants on Survivor go to the bathroom?  Do they have toilet paper?  Because I've never seen it as a "luxury item" they can win in a contest, have you?  I wonder about things like this.

Maybe next week at work we'll have some exciting conversations about explosive diarrhea or projectile vomiting.  I can't wait.  It's the stoopidist thing.