Friday, January 11, 2013

The Four Way Stop

Is there anything more of a cluster fuck than a four way stop during heavy traffic???  I don't think so. Never are people more indecisive.  Do I go first?  Should I let them go first?  Who goes first?  Who knows?  Nobody knows, that's who.

So what happens?  Everybody tries to go at the same time.  Start, stop.  Start, stop.  Okay, you go.  No, you go.  Okay, I'll go.  No, I'll go.  It's a total cluster.  To be fair, the rules of the road are vague.  Who ever (or is it whom ever?) gets to the intersection first has the right of way...and if more than one vehicle the vehicle on the right goes first.  But if four vehicles get there at the same time who's on the right?  Isn't everyone on the right of someone?  Personally I think someone with a penis must have come up with this rule.

When everyone gets there at the same time, nobody knows what to do...everybody starts hesitating, and the impatient "waving on" begins.  Everyone starts waving the other cars to go ahead...but they all start waving at the same time and the cluster begins anew.  Until...one brave soul feels the stirring of testicular expansion from rasinette to full fledged grape and barrels through the intersection studiously avoiding eye contact with everyone lest they see a middle finger raised in opposition.

You'd think, with my little road rage problem, that I'd be an aggressive driver...not the case.  Sadly, I am never that brave soul barreling through the intersection.  I want to be...but, truth be told, I'm a wimpy driver.  I may, in fact, be the wimpiest of the wimps.  So wimpy am I that I actually TRY to be the last vehicle at the intersection so I can be sure, deep in my heart, that I am legally bound to go last.  I want no confrontation, no middle fingers raised in my direction, no ugly glares from fellow drivers...I basically just want to get through the intersection physically and emotionally unscathed.   How friggin' wimpy is that???

My friend, Smellie Noellie, is a bold driver.  Years of traveling on L.A. freeways have made her fearless of driving conditions that make me cringe.  Smellie knows no fear and is oblivious to glares and raised middle fingers of fellow motorists.  Any hesitation on the part of others is an opportunity for her to take control...which she does instantly.  I wish I could be like her...although she is a bit of a car snob preferring BMW's to any other vehicle on the planet.  I don't really care what I drive as long as it doesn't break down and the heater and air conditioner work.  I'd like the radio to work too but it's not as vital to me as the other two are.

Since it's a new year, I'm going to try to be more a more assertive driver.  Maybe 2013 will be the year my rasinettes turn to grapes and I finally stop deliberately getting to the intersection last.  Maybe 2013 will be the year my road rage will cease to exist and I'll stop calling fellow drivers "fuckhead", "asswipe", "dickhead", "fuckin' asshole" and/or any combination thereof.  Maybe 2013 will be the year I'll actually try to eat healthful foods.

Even better...maybe...2013 will be the year I win the lottery and can hire Smellie to drive me wherever I need to go.  Then I wouldn't have to worry about silly things like being wimpy, and dreams of testicular expansion...it's the stoopidist thing.