Monday, April 2, 2012

Anal Spice


I went to dinner with some of the Old Chix last week. Only four of us could make it this time. Me, Em, Cee & Lo. All of us are well on our way to sixty...and, unfortunately, not in dog years either. We went to a different casino this time that had a brewery. I don’t like beer but fortunately for me they served other adult beverages so I had my fave....pineapple grapefruit juice with vodka. It doesn’t have a name...trust me on this. Every time I order it the cocktail waitress asks me what it’s called and I just repeat the ingredients “pineapple grapefruit with vodka”...it’s not a Greyhound...that’s just grapefruit and vodka. I found this out the hard way...by believing the cocktail waitress knew what she was talking about when she said “Oh, that’s a Greyhound”in her chipper little size 0 voice with clothes to match. Finally, I thought, my drink of choice has a name and I was just too stoopid to know it. I nearly gagged when they brought me a chimney glass filled with plain grapefruit juice and vodka. Now when the cute little waitresses try to tell me a name, I just make sure they know I only want half grapefruit and half pineapple with a healthy dose of vodka for good measure. They can call it whatever their little heart desires.

Remember the Spice Girls?  Well, I thought about calling the Old Chix the Old Spiceters.  Why you ask?  For the sole purpose of renaming Lo..."Anal Spice".  Kinda sounds like a candle fragrance in a gay porno shop, doesn't it?  The new name is a perfect fit for her....even she would have to admit it...then she would have to spend hours analyzing why she feels the need to analyze everything. Fortunately Lo, aka/Anal Spice, and hereafter referred to as AS, has a wonderful sense of humor and can laugh at herself...unfortunately she is also compelled from her innermost being to analyze everything in the fucking world.  AS has moved on from the familiar phrases like "your plate is too full" to "she keeps long accounts" or "you're keeping short accounts".   Huh????  What happened to simplicity?..."she has too much to do" or "she holds a grudge"?  AS is good natured enough to laugh with us when we mock her about this...which we do...at lease Em & I do...but we're kinda the assholes of the group.

I can totally see AS reading self help books.  It seems like every time someone reads the latest self help book, new catch phrases roll off their tongues to make them sound like they've got "it" all figured out.  But every one's version of just what "it" is, is different, isn't it?  Talk about a boon for the self help writers!  They get to define "It" for their latest book of invaluable information which will change your life forever...yes forever!  And you'll be able to feel oh so much better about yourself once you realize that the new "it" is the one you've been searching for all your life.  The previous self help book you read had "it" all wrong.  Alas, you must read the newest book to find that the forever life changing "it" from the old book wasn't "it" at all, and everything you thought you learned about the old "it" was now pure hogwash.  But just read the newest book and your life will change forever....It's a vicious cycle, isn't it??

Fortunately for me, I read mostly for entertainment.  No self help books here.  Oh sure, occasionally I read something because I need technical information about something I'm trying to do...usually horse related...or gardening related...or cooking related....but generally I read strictly to be entertained while I'm lounging on the couch eating fattening snackage.  It gives me a reason to sit on my ass and basically do nothing but live in a fantasy world.  Sometimes I feel guilty about this, sitting around doing nothing when there's always chores that need doing, but not often enough to keep me from doing it...sitting around reading I mean...not the chores.

Never, not once have I felt the need to analyze what I've read.  One time the wife of a work friend wanted to share books, so okay I thought, we're just going to trade books.  I knew she was kinda cuckoo before I agreed, but I didn't realize she was going to want to "talk" about the books after we read them.  Boy, was I surprised.  I was trapped by a crazy woman telling me how a certain book made her feel "all dark" inside. (It was a fucking murder mystery.) I started hearing the Twilight Zone theme running through my head.  I did a lot of smiling and nodding.  We never traded books again.

I would never last in a book club where everyone read the book and then had a little get together to "discuss" the book.  Because frankly, I don't care.  It doesn't matter to me what anyone else thinks about the book.  It's enough that I was entertained for a few hours.

I've never felt the need to peruse the shelves of self help books at Barnes & Noble.  If I wasn't stoopid, I might worry about why bad things happen to good people.  I don't spend much time wondering about the "why" it happened.  It just happened.  It's the stoopidist thing...