Monday, February 27, 2012

OF & The Pakistani

I'm really impatient and I hate waiting for pretty much anything.  Computer connectivity, or lack thereof, drives me crazy.  Since I live out in the sticks, I'm probably never going to have the speed of light connections that everyone else has.  I've called the local cable companies and digital network services but none of them service the area I live in.  The only option I have is a satellite connection...or dial up.  I can't even get DSL through the phone company here...and I'm not that far away from civilization.  There's lots of families in our area who would be thrilled to have the cable company run a line in our area but so far, no such luck.  Personally, I think they're missing the boat by not servicing our's not like there's no electricity. Heck, we have indoor plumbing and everything...

OF (Old Friend of undesirable snackage fame) lives at the opposite end of the town and had the same Internet connectivity problem...luckily for her, she was able to get one of those digital phone and Internet services out in her area.  Still she has some connectivity problems herself...and she's impatient as well...which leads her to make some poor choices...this is one of them...

Last weekend OF was trying to print some documents to give to a mortgage lender when lo and behold, she couldn't get her laptop to print.  OF usually does everything on her laptop in the living room in front of the TV so she can play online games and watch TV at the same time...we like to think of this as multi tasking. She keeps the "hearing impaired" captioning on the TV so she doesn't have to really listen.  After trying several times (and failing miserably) to get the printing done, she gives up and goes into her "office" where there's another computer hooked up directly to the printer. No wireless gadgetry involved....but this computer hasn't been used in awhile and is really going slow, when suddenly...a box appears on the screen that says "Is your computer running slow?"  "Click here.."  So she does....

Now OF finds herself transported, through the magic of the Internet, to the SpeedyPC website. After very little effort on their part which consisted of running some type of scam...I mean scan...on her computer showing over 4,000, count 'em, 4,000 things wrong with her computer, OF finds herself paying for and downloading software that's guaranteed to fix her computer and make it run faster.

Still unable to get the printing done and finally realizing she may have just been hornswoggled, OF decides to use my friend "Mr. Google" to see if SpeedyPC is a legitimate business.  She tries one of the links and finds a toll free number for customer she calls it and is greeted by a foreign sounding gentleman who I'll call "Pakistani Manny"...

Pakistani Manny:  "Hallow...hau mayee I help yew?" comes the pleasant, albeit, heavily accented voice. (Please note I'm trying to get the correct accent sound from the spelling but it may end up sounding a bit in Elmer...just use your imagination.)

OF:  "Where are you?" OF asks, having difficulty understanding him because of the accent.
Personally I think OF may be losing her ability to hear as a direct result of texting and hearing captioned TV.   Just sayin'... if you don't ever use your ears for anything except hanging jewelry don't be surprised if they don't work as good as they used to.

Pakistani Manny:  "I em en Pahkistahn miss."

OF:  Somewhat startled by this revelation she says "Well I downloaded this program and I still can't get it to work."

Pakistani Manny:  "Well miss eef you can allow mee I would like to connect to yur cohmputer ahn see eef I can help you."

OF:  "Ok" she says.   (I know, I was shocked that she said this too.)

Pakistani Manny:  After connecting to her computer remotely, Pakistani Manny says "Oh miss, yew have veddy minni problehms I em afraid."

At this point, I'm pretty sure Pakistani Manny and his buddies are having an absolute chucklefest that yet another idiot infidel has turned over their entire computer system to a complete stranger...There's probably seven or eight of 'em sitting around in the room just waiting when suddenly Pakistani Manny shakes his fist in the air to signal he's got a live one on the line. Then they all spring into action infecting OF's computer with worms, Trojan horses, and every kind of malware imaginable, all the while searching her files for pictures of unveiled women or some other equally deviant infidel stuff.

OF:  "I can't understand you" OF says "is this a legitimate business?" I really had a laugh about this...did she really think if it wasn't a "legitimate business" that he was gonna tell her???

Pakistani Manny:  "Of course miss" he shouts attempting to sound offended.

OF:  "You don't have to yell" she says "your accent is so heavy that I can't  understand what you're saying." "You know, I don't think I want this program"  she says.   I should point out here that OF is one of those people who's ALWAYS nice to everyone.  One of the Old Chix, Elmo, is one of the nicest people I've ever known and OF is, if not as nice, at least a close second...neither of them would ever think of being the least bit rude.

Pakistani Manny:  "Well miss" says the suddenly snippy Manny, "let me khanect you weeth one of our partner's ahn see ef they khan help you."

OF:  "NO"  she says "I don't want to be connected to anyone else."  "I don't want this...I want my money back."

After several more attempts to change her mind Pakistani Manny eventually loses the battle and OF hangs up...cancels her PayPal payment...and decides to take her computer into a "real" shop to see if they can fix it...hopefully she won't be getting any visits from the Secret Service for unintentionally sending terrorist  threats to the Prez via some worm or virus implanted by Pakistani Manny & Pals.

When OF's telling me this story it's hysterical... I'm horrified that she would let some schmo from a third world country, who could be a terrorist, take control of her computer remotely and do whatever he wanted. But I get even more hysterical at the fact that throughout the whole story, she's holding her hand up to her ear pretending that she's talking on the phone...apparently thinking I need a visual interpretation to get the gist of everything she's saying.

I'm completely mortified because now that I think about it, I think I do the same thing...and I think I even cock my head to the side when I'm pretending to be on the phone.  In fact, I use my hands to dramatize pretty much everything when I'm talking to someone.  If something's big, my hands automatically rise like goal posts shoulder width apart.  If something's thumb and forefinger appear instantly about an inch apart held up in front of my face, with my head bowed a little forward...and if I'm being really honest, I think I actually squint my eyes for emphasis.  When I describe something stoopid I've done, my right hand goes limp wristed and I tap it on my chest.  Do I think simple verbal emphasis isn't enough to convey my thoughts?  Have I always been like this?

Does everybody do this?  At least I know OF does it so there's one other person.  Now I'm trying to think of everyone I know to see if I can visualize them talking to me and whether or not they use their hands.  I'll have to watch and see who does it...hopefully I'm not the only idiot who feels the need to play a personal game of charades while I speak.'s the stoopidist thing.