Bathroom Emergency!!!

I've complained frequently about the bathroom in the building where I work.  Its an employee only area that is "fragrance free" area and as such usually smells like an outhouse.  Sometimes it's so bad the smell wafts down the hallway.  It is truly disgusting.  Not the point today...

Yesterday before I left work I had to pee.  I usually try to use the extra large handicapped stall since the other ones are so small that your elbows practically touch the walls on either side.  I'm a little claustrophobic and the bigger one is just more comfortable.  In a pinch, I'll suffer through the smaller ones though...sometimes you just can't be too choosy.  I was really happy that the big stall was empty when I walked in the bathroom. I know it's pathetic that something like having my favorite stall free makes me happy...it's even weird having a "favorite" stall, I know.  Then, something caught my eye...there was something on the floor in front of the toilet.

I couldn't believe my eyes...there was a pile of shit on the floor!  I'm being literal here...not just a pile of "stuff"...it was actual human fecal matter.  Now I'm old and my eyesight's not as good as it once was and...this is embarrassing to admit...I bent down in front of it to see if it actually was what I thought it was...and it was! Thank God nobody came in and saw me bending down in front of the offending mass...it may have looked like I was paying homage to a pile of shit or something.

WTF!!! Who would shit on the floor in a restroom with the toilet an inch away???  And who wouldn't clean it up if it was an accident?  I mean, there's been times when everyone's been dancing in place trying to get their pants down before the poop starts shooting out. Why is it that it's always harder to get your pants down when you have to pee or poop really bad?  You can never get the door unlocked quickly either if you're trying to get in the house after a mad dash from town...why is that? Now I can understand there can be some urgency involved in the whole "process".  But usually when something like that happens, the outpouring is, shall we say, more fluid...more explosive...this was definitely a turd fully formed. 

To make matters worse, whoever did it stepped in it...at least I hope it was the pooper and not some poor schmoe who actually walked in to sneak a poop and ended up stepping in someone else's poop.  How friggin' horrible would that be?  Nobody wants to poop at work, least of all me...that's strictly "at home duty" as far as I'm concerned but there are occasions when even I've been a sneak a pooper.

So I did what any good concerned employee would do.   I rushed back to my office and grabbed the Princess and made her go look.  There we were, two grown ass women, one old, one young, standing in the women's "fragrance free" bathroom laughing hysterically at the disgusting fact that someone pooped on the floor.  Every time someone came in we made them look too...very mature...every one else laughed too...thank God we weren't the only ones. It would have made us look really weird if we were laughing at it and everyone else was horrified and serious.

The "poop on the floor" incident generated several emails throughout the administration.  Everyone was horrified that someone would do that...then they laughed.  Personally I think a loud speaker announcement would have been wonderful. 

Can't you imagine hearing on an intercom system "Whoever just pooped on the floor in the women's "fragrance free" restroom (we must be specific about location lest there be other floor poopers in other restrooms) report to your supervisor's office immediately.  We have your DNA...we know who you are.  You stepped in it and we are calling in the CSI gang with magic chemicals that will track your footprints to your desk."

At this point, everyone would be looking around at each other wondering who the pooper is...rumors would start to fly...everyone would be suspect...okay, not the men because they have their own bathroom...everyone else would be fair game though...

I still can't believe someone actually did this and that my friends and I got so many laughs out of it...it's the stoopidist thing.

Stoopid Thing I Did

Today I had an appointment with a young man I'd never met in the lobby of a large government building to have him sign some papers.  I took the Princess with me since she had some things she needed to do and more importantly, to keep me company...(it is all about me, after all).  We walk in all fat, dumb & happy and go to the end of the waiting line for service.  There's one young man in front of me so I thought I'd see if it was the guy I'm there to meet.  This is our conversation.

Me:  "Hi, are you Matthew?"

SHE:  "NO"

Me:   Please God, let the ground swallow me up (to myself)

Me:   Silently mouthing to the Princess "It's a girl!!!  Did you see?...I just asked
          that girl if she was "Matthew"....

Princess:  Trying very hard not to laugh out loud at me obviously being a moron "mouthing" what I'd just done...like she didn't hear me while standing a whole six inches away from me..

I do shit like this all the time...it's the stoopidist thing.

Food For The Day - Monday

I've decided to start over and actually try to curb my sugar, fat, carb, caloric intake.  Looking back I think I can see where I'm going wrong...it's all the crap I'm shoving in my face.  Maybe if I'd just keep the pie hole shut and stop shoving junk into it all day long my pants would fit.  Just a thought.  I may be wrong...first time in 2011 (just kidding).


Diet Pepsi
1 Container of Activia Yogurt (I'm not going for the intestinal benefits here, I just like the taste...please, please, please don't make me poop at work.)

I walked by the bowl of jelly beans and almost grabbed some.  I want them really bad.

I ate a cheese stick...Colby cheddar.  Immediately following I ate two York Peppermint Patty's...I can't believe how weak and spineless I am.  I have no will power whatsoever.  WTF is wrong with me???  I didn't even really think about it when I ate them.  Okay, I didn't think about the first one, but I did think about the second one.

One orange followed by six Triscuits and a piece of Havarti cheese.  (I'm trying not to let my stumble earlier affect the rest of my day...I still really want to dip into the bowl of jelly beans....they're calling me.)

I ate two more peppermint patty's at work.  And about 10 almonds. 

Once I got home, I ate 3 chocolate chip cookies...and, get this...another Lean Cuisine.   I should have gone riding after work...I wouldn't have eaten so much.  But the dogs got out of the yard and I went home to fix the radio fence.  Lately things have been going wrong...collars quit working...the receiver box quits working...there's breaks in the wire...I dunno...

So I get home and trudge down to the pump shed...gonna fix it...

I have to say here, The Husband loves to build sheds.  Some people live on property dotted with beautiful shrubbery...I live on property dotted with sheds.  I told him the next shed he builds has to be a two story shed.  At least it would be a little different...a shed with character.  Pretty soon I expect him to build connecting covered walkways between his sheds.  Kind of like the Winchester Mystery House...the white trash version. I figure it's the natural course of events to come at our house.  But it makes him happy and we're old and this is one of the few things he can still do...we have to take our happiness where we can find it...

Anyway, I go into said shed (I could go off on a Seussian session here...but I won't) and unplug the radio receiver box, unhook the wires and hook them all back up the way it was.  Pretty thmaaart don't you think???  I turn the dial (which sets the boundary limit) and immediately hear the Cartoon Dog yelp...guess she was too close...at least I know her collar works.  I turn the dial the other way and start over...another Cartoon yelp...now I feel really bad.  I've shocked the poor dog twice in a row...but...at least the light is out and I think that's my goal.  At least it was with the old box. 

Hiking back up to the house, I'm looking for the Cartoon Dog.  There she is hiding under the trailer.  I feel really bad because she's the only one who stays in the yard even when she doesn't have her collar on...and she's the dunder who gets shocked.  I swap collars and put the one I know works on little one eyed Jasper.  Roxie is over at the neighbors visiting the Hooligans (that's what I call the neighbor's dogs).  When she comes home, she'll sit patiently outside the fence waiting for me to come remove her collar so she can cross the boundary.  She's pretty smart.  She knows how to beat the fence.  It may be time to put up a real fence to keep her in.  We shall see.

The fabulous part is I only ate one, count 'em, one fudge bar tonight...it's the stoopidist thing.

Food Intake - Day Seven

Diet Pepsi

1 Baby Bella (The last of a bag purchased at Costco)

1 Banana

10 Chocolate Chip cookies

I am now going to blame someone other than myself for my food intake...The Pioneer Woman. I know she didn't shove the food in my mouth, but I'm addicted to her website and the companion, Tasty Kitchen. I curse the day and the friend who directed me to The Pioneer Woman website. Today was probably the fifth time in two months that I've made Malted Milk Chocolate Chip cookies. They are wonderful. Throughout the day I ate at least 10, count 'em, 10... it's the number I'm admitting to.

1 Stir Fry beef & veggie bowl w/white rice

1 Mint ice cream sandwich (Skinny Cow...after all the cookies this seems even more ridiculous)

Tomorrow is Sunday. Day of rest. I need it because I'm pretty tired from all this eating.  It's the stoopidist thing.

Food Intake - Day Six

Diet Pepsi

1 Asian Pear

1 Colby Cheddar cheese stick

1 Banana

A few almonds ...I didn't count...but, I didn't have as many as usual....mostly because I don't really like almonds as well and that's all that's left in jar...those and Brazil nuts which will end up in the garbage when I get down to those.

Does anyone really eat Brazil nuts? Nobody ever ate them and somehow they always made their way into my Xmas stocking. Yes at my house, Santa annually dropped an orange and some Brazil nuts into the toe of my stocking. These are what parents of limited means refer to as stocking fillers...stuff that can cheaply fill up a stocking and not cost an arm and a leg. When my son was little, Santa left him a jar of sweet pickles in his stocking..but he LOVED sweet pickles...I hated Brazil nuts. I sound a little bitter, don't I??? My son left Santa a bowl of M&M's for a snack...no milk & cookies at our house...and guess what??? Santa LOVED them. I've gotten off track again...

2 Handfuls of M&M's

2 Handfuls of Tostitos (When I ran spell check, these are the options I was given for Tostitos- Testators, Tomtits (WTF???), Tomtit's (More WTF???), Testates, Toasties...apparently brand names are unknown to my spell check friend.)

1 Lean Cuisine (I realize the fact the I'm eating "Lean Cuisine" is the most ridiculous thing in the world after eating all of the above...but I really like the Chicken Carbonara)

2 Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwich bars (Again, ridiculous, but delicious.) All in all, I don't think it's as bad as the days before...but then again, what do I know???  It's the stoopidist thing.

Food Intake - Day Five

Diet Pepsi
1 Banana
1 Baby Bella
10 Jelly Beans (red & white)
1 York Peppermint Patty (mini)

I was doing really good until I started on the jelly beans.

1 Dark Chocolate Milky Way bit
1 Twix mini bit
20 or 30 Almonds
6 or 8 jelly beans
1 Lays Potato Chip lunch size bag

20 (I'm guessing because they were halves) Cashews
5 or 6 Almonds
1 Costco dog grilled on white bread (I'm sooo white trash)
2 Fudge Bars

I start my weekend on Day Six and made the husband bring the Pilates machine in from the shed. (Doesn't everyone keep them there?) I'm going to try to actually use it instead of just letting the cats sleep on it. Why do cats always want to sleep on anything new or different in the room? I'm also debating whether to try the low carb thing. Looking back on my daily diet, it seems like a long shot. Maybe I could switch it up, one day low carb, the next day low cal...I know I'm grasping at straws here, but then again that's what I do....it's the stoopidist thing.

Food Intake - Day Four

Diet Pepsi

1 Orange (It's becoming noticeable that I only eat one of a "healthy" food item but always more than one of something "unhealthy"....see below.)

2 Werthers soft caramels.

2 More caramels.

1 Container of strawberry yogurt. (Activia...it's really good.)

1 Asian Pear.

1 Colby Cheddar Cheese stick

20 + Jelly beans. (I couldn't stop until all the red & white ones were gone...I like to eat them together...I know it's weird but I can't help it. After all the white or reds are gone, I start pairing with pinks, pink & white or pink & red...my final pairing is pink & purple. We're down to yellow, green, and orange which I will not eat.)

1 York Peppermint Patty (fun size)

1 Kit Kat bit

30 Or more cashews

1 Costco dog on white bread (I can't let them go to waste...)

1 Fudge Bar (I cut down)

So I think I did a little better today...I only had one Fudge Bar and I added another piece of fruit. I went to the store and bought some carrots, bread (sourdough of course...for peanut butter toast), Triscuts, oranges, and yogurt. After seeing, in writing, what I ate, I felt compelled to add some "healthier" foods. Somehow it didn't stop me from eating the other junk...If you think about it, I just ate more by adding the "healthy" stuff. How's that going to do me any good?

The carrots I bought are "baby" carrots, the kind you buy in a little plastic bag, ready to eat. My dad once told me that they aren't really "baby" carrots at all, just old, broken, probably rotten carrots that they file down to sell to patsies like me. Have you ever noticed that they tend to get slimy really fast?

It's not that I don't "buy" healthy foods, I do...I actually spend a lot of money on food...I love food. I also waste a lot of food. I go to the store and have all these great recipes that I'm going to cook so I buy all this food, bring it home and put it in the fridge, which, as it turns out, is a superb food rotting machine. I heard a guy once who said crisper bins should be called rotters. He was right. Almost everything I put in rots from lack of attention in spite of my good intentions.

I tried to get the Princess to post her food for the day but she couldn't figure out how to add it so here's her food intake while at work...as you see our food intakes are similar.

Princess Food Tuesday until 2:00 (Day Three)
English Muffin w/butter & Jam
Sweet Tea (very sugary)
Half of a mushroom/jack cheeseburger and fries
Root Beer
2 Mini Kit Kats
1 Mini Twix
1 Slice Muenster cheese
1 Big Cherry Candy Bar
1 Whole roll of wintergreen lifesavers

Apparently I'm not the only one with terrible eating habits (I knew I liked her for a reason)...it's the stoopidist thing.