Friday, March 16, 2018

The Husband & Me

I went to Costco late Sunday afternoon with The Husband. I didn't think it would be as crowded as it was. Don't ask me why I thought Costco wouldn't be crowded on a weekend day. There is no logical explanation. This troubles me a little. Not the fact that it was crowded...the fact that I thought it wouldn't be.

Here's how I came to this horribly wrong conclusion. I just thought since it was after 4:00 P.M., most people would be home. The early birds, which is usually me, would be long, long, gone. The churchgoers who stop by after church would be gone, and the family packs would be home trying to get kids ready for the school week and getting their dinner ready, etc.

Sadly, I didn't account for all the other hundreds of people who don't fall into these categories. Night owls who don't even get out of bed before noon'ish, childless couples stopping by on their way to dinner or a movie, oldsters hitting the sample tables...

In fact, now that I think about it, Costco should set up a "Sample Aisle". One aisle that would be set up exclusively so the Saturday/Sunday Sample Seekers wouldn't block the aisles...thus freeing the rest of the shoppers from seething inwardly as we're forced to turn down an aisle we don't really need to be in just to avoid the crowd at the sample stop where all normal shopper traffic has come to a screeching halt. I wonder if Costco has a suggestion box somewhere?

When I'm shopping, I don't like to waste time. I go, get what I need, and get out. The quicker, the better. Scari, of Old Chix fame, complains that we're running when we shop. She should shop with The Husband, they're both amblers.

In addition to being an ambler, The Husband is also extremely hard of hearing...not stone cold deaf, but definitely headed in that direction...rapidly.
He's also a lover of gadgetry. Cell phones, GPS, tool gadgets. The only gadgetry he's not the least bit interested in is hearing aids...and it's the only one he REALLY needs.

"I hear just fine," he tells me...every time I suggest he just looks into getting hearing aids. I used to think he just had "selective" hearing. Not anymore.

As we head down the main aisle toward the checkout register, I casually turn around to make sure The Husband is following me...because I always get ahead of him.

"Huh?" he shouts...mistakenly thinking I said something to him...which causes me to start laughing...because he's so loud that people look at him. He actually shouted "Huh". He didn't know he shouted "Huh?"...but he did. The fact that he can see I'm laughing seems to make him even more certain I've said something to him...

"What?" is the next shouted response to, what I can only assume is, his guess that I've said something he missed.

I'm sure it must look like I suffer from some kind of essential tremors since I keep shaking my head in the universal "no" gesture as I pat the air with my right hand. It's my feeble attempt to get him to not say anything else...and it worked! Maybe we've reached the age where we understand some kind of non-verbal oldster sign language.

At the checkout counter, The Husband hands the non-hard of hearing, young checker his Costco card. And lest you think that I'm sharp as a fucking tack, when the checker greeted The Husband by his first name, I thought he must know him...like maybe a friend of his son's or something. It never occurred to me that he was reading it off the friggin' card. Duh...

"So Ron, can I get you anything from the food court? Stamps? Nothing?" the young non-hard of hearing checker asks The Husband...who responds with his version of the universal "no" gesture as he puts his card in the reader.

As the checker tells him his total these were the exact words that came out of The Husband's mouth..."Hey, you got any of those stamp books?"...

I immediately jerked my head around with the universal "WTF" expression on my face, looking at him like he's just grown another head and start laughing. The little gal who's boxing our stuff smiles at me. And the checker...God love him, acts like he never even asked The Husband if he wanted stamps as he recalculates our total...it's The Stoopidist Thing.

 P.S. The Husband still insists he hears "just fine".